


Good to be on the Road Back Home Again

by elyndys



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-26
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2017-12-24 16:45:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 32,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/942231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elyndys/pseuds/elyndys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two foreigners meet on the Great American Road Trip. Title is from a song by Cornershop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. San Francisco

When Felipe goes home, he thinks, the thing he'll remember most about California is the orange trees. _'That must be why they call it Orange County,'_ he remembers thinking, impressed with the simple beauty, the clear, endless blueness of the sky. _'I really am in California,'_ he thought. 

But then, getting off the bus in San Francisco, he could be anywhere else in the world. There are still beggars, still tramps lying drunk under the trees in Golden Gate Park, the streets are still cold at night. He doesn't like it. And in the bars, when someone asks how he likes the United States, they look at him with disdain when he tells them how he feels about the city, as if he's broken the law. 

Badmouthing San Francisco is not the way to make friends, he learns.

He's slowly making his way clear of there when he sees the guy in the red t-shirt trying to thumb a lift. He looks clean, his face seems honest to Felipe - so he pulls over. This trip is supposed to be about taking chances and new and different experiences - maybe this will send him down an interesting diversion.

"You’re going all the way to Chicago?" he calls out of the open window as the guy comes over, holding a cardboard sign. Felipe was thinking it'd be nice to get there too. He'll see. 

"Just heading anywhere east really, mate," the guy says.

Felipe stretches across and opens the door. "Me too."

"Cheers," says the guy, climbing in and shoving his backpack onto the back seat of the car. "I appreciate it."

"No problem." Felipe looks in his mirror before pulling back onto the road.

"I'm Rob," says the guy in red, offering Felipe his hand. 

Felipe takes it, glancing over with a smile and a raised eyebrow. "Felipe."

"Nice to meet you, Felipe," says Rob affably. "You Mexican?"

Felipe rolls his eyes. "No! I am from Brazil."

"Oh, that's better," says Rob, deadpan.

"You've been to Brazil?" Felipe asks, glancing over again quizzically.

"No, but I've been to Mexico," Rob says, and laughs when he catches Felipe's eye. "Do you know where I'm from?"

Felipe looks at him again, getting a better look at his face this time. He wonders if it's a trick question. "Is easy," he says confidently. "England."

Rob looks a little disappointed. "Yeah," he admits. "I always hope people are gonna think I'm from Scandinavia or something, 'cos of my accent," he explains. "I don't exactly sound like Hugh Grant. But so far, no-one's got it wrong."

"I think you are easier to understand than Hugh Grant," Felipe says. "He talks like he has something in his mouth always."

Rob laughs, clearly taking this as a compliment. "Yeah, the posh twat."

Felipe giggles. "Anyway, is more interesting to meet people who are not American. Americans all think I am Mexican," he says, looking at Rob out of the corner of his eye. 

"Sorry," Rob says. He has the decency to grimace a little. "Must be like calling a Canadian American."

"No, no," Felipe explains. "I see them all covering their wallets, you know? And wanting me to cut their lawn."

Rob snorts. "That's pretty shit," he says. "I thought I had it bad when people keep asking me about Princess Diana."

Felipe laughs. "When did you come to America?" he asks. This guy seems pretty cheerful; he's reasonably sure he's probably not an axe murderer or master thief. Not that Felipe has anything worth stealing. Even the car's a piece of shit that he picked up for a few hundred dollars before he left San Francisco, and it looks like it too. Even a compulsive kleptomaniac would be better off letting Felipe drive him around.

"Been here... five days now," Rob says, counting on his fingers. "I think I exhausted my options in San Francisco. You?"

"The same," Felipe says. "I thought I will go see the famous places, until I get bored," he says with a laugh. 

"Driving all over America?" wonders Rob. "You're a braver man than me."

Felipe shrugs. "I love to drive," he says. "The roads here are made for driving. And this way you can stop wherever you want. And you always have somewhere to sleep," he adds, grinning.

Rob chuckles. "True," he agrees. "But is it not a bit lonely?"

"Maybe a little," Felipe says with another shrug. "But that's why I pick you up, huh?" He smiles, and Rob smiles back.

"I appreciate it," Rob says again. "You don't have to take me all the way to wherever you're going, I'm just grateful for the ride a bit further, y'know?"

"I know," Felipe says easily. "If I get bored of you, I will leave you at a gas station or somewhere," he says with a grin. 

Rob lets out a laugh. "I see how it is," he says. "I'm your entertainment!"

Felipe thinks he's doing a decent job entertaining him so far. Rob talks easily and straightforwardly, that's good. Felipe hadn't realised how much he'd missed normal, friendly conversation until now. It's not that Americans can't be nice, but he feels more empathy with a fellow foreign traveller. Felipe's good at getting along with people, but it works best when it goes both ways.

He tries not to think what his mother will say when he tells her he picked up a hitchhiker. He will tell her, because she always says she'd rather worry about the truth than a lie; and anyway, what can she do about it, all the way in Sao Paulo? Rob doesn't seem any more like a kidnapper by the time they've gone a couple of hours down the road - not that he has any first-hand experience of what kidnappers and murderers look like. But if he wasn't afraid in Sao Paulo, he's not afraid here. Not of Rob, who offers to pay for petrol the first time they stop, and comes out of the service station holding a polystyrene cup of tea. 

He grimaces when he tastes it. "Fucking dishwater," he complains, but drinks it anyway. He tosses a banana onto Felipe's lap, making him shuffle automatically to try and stop it sliding onto the floor. "I'd've got you chocolate, but that's shit as well."

Felipe laughs. "Why you come to America if you hate everything here?"

Rob cocks his head to one side, taking another sip of his tea. "Do you want the long story, or the short one?"

Felipe is interested in hearing the long one of course, but he wonders if Rob wants to tell it. Still, he wouldn't've said there was a long story if he didn't. Maybe he wants someone to know. So Felipe says, with a little grin, "You tell me the short one first, and I tell you if I want to hear the long one."

Rob smiles and shakes his head. "OK, well, the short version is, I turned 30 a few months ago, wanted a bit of adventure while I still could, and I thought America would be a good place to start, ‘cos there's so much that's totally different to Britain."

Felipe nods. It's pretty much the same for him, apart from the age thing. "What is the long story?"

"My marriage broke up," Rob says flatly. He has another drink of tea. "The short version is longer than the long version," he mutters.

Felipe doesn't know what to say. He goes for the obvious option first. "Sorry." He doesn't want to pry, but he doesn't want to seem like he doesn't give a shit. "What happened?" He figures if Rob doesn't want to say, he won't - but they have time to talk. It's still a long way east.

Rob sighs. "We got married too young I guess, wanted different things - we realised it wasn't working out, so we decided to split before we ended up hating each other." He gives a wry little chuckle.

"That's shit," sympathises Felipe, feeling bereft of appropriate vocabulary. "You have children?"

"No, that was a part of it," Rob says. Felipe is relieved he doesn't seem to show any inclination to tell Felipe to piss off and mind his own business. "I wanted them, but she didn't. So she said if I was dead set on having kids, I should find someone who wanted to have them with me."

"She made you choose between her and children?" Felipe asks. It seems harsh to him.

"Well, I kind of put that badly," Rob explains. "It was more like..." He pauses, staring out of the windscreen at the dead-straight road ahead. "She didn't want to keep me for herself if I wanted something else that she couldn't give me. She didn't want me to resent her for it."

Felipe thinks he understands. "But now you just got to find someone else, huh?"

Rob laughs, but not very cheerfully. "I suppose so. Start all over again."

He goes quiet then, and Felipe feels bad. So he puts his foot down to see what this old banger can do. It judders somewhat, then leaps forward rather more than Felipe had anticipated, then judders some more. 

“Fucking hell!” Rob exclaims, holding onto the door with his free hand. “Give me some warning when you’re gonna do that!”

“That is less fun!” Felipe laughs, easing off the gas. 

Rob eyes him. “I guess that’s a hazard of hitchhiking, you never know if you’re gonna get picked up by a maniac.”

Felipe is sure he’s joking. “But when the road is like this, you want to drive fast!” he says, gesturing at the road with a grin.

Rob shakes his head. “Listen, I don’t think this car cares what you want. And the cops won’t either.”

Felipe sighs in pretend-upset. “You’re not fun,” he says, but he drives sensibly again. He’d hate to get stranded out here. He guesses he’d just abandon the car and hitch, like Rob. That seems like a good contingency plan. 

He guesses his mother would probably be a bit more worried by him doing that than by him picking up a hitcher of his own. This way, he’s in control of the car, he’s in charge of where they go; Rob has to trust him. He’s doing something a lot riskier than Felipe. Makes him feel like his own adventure isn’t quite so adventurous. 

“When I picked you up, were you waiting for a long time?” he asks. 

“No, actually,” Rob says, and he sounds back to normal. “But you were the first person who stopped. Obviously, or I wouldn’t still’ve been there,” he says with a laugh. 

“You weren’t scared?” Felipe can’t help wondering. Rob seems like a fairly laconic sort of personality, but still, being alone in a foreign country - Felipe’s already found it weirdly intimidating, in ways he didn’t always anticipate.

“Nah, not scared, really,” shrugs Rob. “But I was talking to people in San Francisco, telling them what I was planning to do, and they were like ‘Wow man, that’s crazy, no-one does that anymore’, and I just felt like, for fuck’s sake, don’t treat me like a moron y’know? I’m not doing it because I’m thick and don’t know any better, I’m doing it because I decided to.” He laughs quietly, trying to soften the sharp spike of exasperation he couldn’t hide. “I think I got pretty lucky though,” he goes on, looking over at Felipe with a more friendly smile. “You’ve only driven like a madman once, the rest of the time I’ve felt pretty safe.”

Felipe glances over, grinning. “Only because you are English. I know your roads are not like this. I don’t want you to spill your tea.”

“Listen,” says Rob, “You come to England and I’ll drive you along the twistiest country roads you’ve ever seen, doing 70 miles an hour the whole time. We’ll see who spills what.”

Felipe just laughs.


	2. Interstate 5

When it starts to get dark, he’s actually surprised. He doesn’t know how far they’ve driven, or even exactly where they are now darkness has fallen. 

“Don’t you have a map?” Rob asks, even though Felipe hasn’t said anything.

“Is in the trunk,” Felipe says. “For emergencies only!”

Rob shakes his head, chuckling. “What are you gonna do, keep driving or what? ‘Cos, I’m not being funny or anything, but I really don’t fancy sleeping in your car.”

To be honest, Felipe really doesn’t either. “I thought I will find a motel,” he says. “We can stop at the next one.” He realises he has just assumed Rob is his permanent passenger now, his travelling companion, at least until one or the other of them raises an objection. And Rob doesn’t object now.

He’s still not sure where they are when they come to the next town with a motel, but it looks as alright as anywhere does in the dark. 

Rob automatically goes up to the desk. Felipe is grateful he won’t have to be taken for a Mexican again. 

The motel room is pretty good - aircon, clean bathroom, two neat single beds. 

“Fifty dollars,” says Rob hesitantly when Felipe presses him on how much he paid. “But you don’t need to give me anything, really.”

“But you already paid so much,” Felipe protests, thinking of the petrol. 

“Yeah, but you’ve driven me all day - it’s the least I can do,” Rob says firmly.

Felipe tries to take out bills, push them into Rob’s hand, but he won’t have it. Eventually Felipe shakes his head and puts his money away. “I will pay tomorrow,” he promises.

Rob chuckles. “Look, I just figure I’m older than you, you probably need to save your money more than me.”

Felipe bites his lip. He doesn’t know how to respond to that one. If he says he’s fine for money, he sounds like a show-off spoilt kid, but he can’t let Rob go on spending all his cash when there’s really no need. “Don’t worry about that,” he says eventually. “The money is OK. I will pay next time.”

Rob looks like he’s about to protest again, but after a moment the penny seems to drop. “Well, if you really insist,” he concedes. 

“My family have enough money,” Felipe explains awkwardly. The words sound wrong, exactly the opposite of what he wanted, but he doesn’t want Rob to feel there’s any mystery to it. He wants to be honest - after all, Rob was with him earlier. Felipe can only assume so, anyway. He has no way of knowing whether anything Rob says is true, but he finds that thought oddly untroubling. They're both in the same boat. They can be whoever they want to be.

Rob grins anyway. “Not enough for you to afford a decent car though,” he quips, and Felipe laughs, his discomfort easing away.

Belatedly they both realise they need to eat, so they get back in the car and drive around until they find somewhere that looks like a McDonalds, but isn’t a McDonalds. 

"It's good to experience other cultures, eh," says Rob wryly. 

Felipe chuckles. "Tomorrow we stop at somewhere that is not Starbucks," he jokes, pleased when Rob grins.

"It's been a long time since I slept in a room with another man," deadpans Rob when they get back to the motel.

"I stay places with my brother all the time," Felipe says. "Is fun! But very messy," he adds, chuckling.

Rob raises his eyebrows. "I'm not tidying up after you," he warns. 

Felipe laughs. "But you say you want to have kids, will be good for you! Practice!"

Rob just rolls his eyes. "You don't snore do you?" 

"No-one ever said so," Felipe replies with a grin. 

Felipe isn’t an awkward person. He can get through most things with a smile and a funny word. So he tries not to acknowledge the tiny grain of self-consciousness he feels about sharing a small bedroom and bathroom with a guy he’s only just met today. He feels relaxed with Rob already, thinks he’s an easy-going guy, feels like they get along well - but he doesn’t want to get too comfortable too soon, doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries. English people are supposed to be a bit reserved, right? Although Rob hasn’t really seemed that way so far, Felipe has to say. 

Still. Sleeping in the same room as a relative stranger, when he can easily see where your wallet and phone and car keys are, is a pretty big matter of trust. His mother’s voice echoes in the back of his mind again, warning him to be careful, but he’s not in Sao Paulo now. There’s no instinct in him that says this is wrong or dangerous - he feels as safe and calm as he does when he shares a room with Dudu. Maybe even more so, because someone he barely knows would probably find it much less funny to take photos of him sleeping and put them on Facebook, or throw his underwear out of the window into the car park. 

Felipe falls asleep easily, and when he wakes up, although it’s earlier than he expected, Rob is still there, sleeping in the other bed, and all his stuff appears to be exactly where he left it. That’s good enough for Felipe. He falls back asleep for another couple of hours, and when he wakes up the next time, Rob is no longer in bed, but Felipe’s stuff remains untouched, and he realises he can hear running water from the bathroom. 

He lies around in bed until Rob emerges, wearing only shorts and rubbing his hair with a towel. Felipe can’t deny he feels a little taken aback - all his preconceptions about the reserved nature of English people are gone in a moment. 

Rob catches him staring before he can look away. “Morning,” he says affably. 

“You are like a Brazilian,” Felipe blurts out. 

“What?” Rob says, with a bemused laugh.

Felipe gestures. “I mean wearing so less clothes,” he explains, feeling like an idiot.

“Oh, right,” Rob says, amused. “Well, it’s annoying getting dressed in a bathroom when you’ve just had a shower, it’s all steamy and that. I figured you’d either still be asleep, or you wouldn’t mind. Being a Brazilian, and all,” he finishes, grinning. “You’re all raging nudists after all, seemingly.”

Felipe rolls his eyes, dragging himself out of bed finally and heading for the bathroom now Rob has vacated it. He suddenly feels much less concerned about the possibility of offending the sensibilities of this near-stranger. 

In not too long they’re back on the road, with coffee for Felipe, more weak tea for Rob, and muffins, because it seems like the thing to do. 

“So, any plans for today?” asks Rob as they clear the small town they stayed in. Felipe realises he never did register what its name was. 

He shrugs. “Keep driving,” he says, glancing at Rob with a grin.

Rob chuckles. “Well, alright,” he says. “Let me know if you want me to take over,” he offers, for the first time.

“Is fine,” Felipe says. “Is like I told you, I love to drive. But if you really want to, you can.”

“Nah, I’m alright for now, mate,” Rob tells him. He’s quiet for a few minutes, until eventually he says, “I just kind of assumed it’s OK for me to come along with you, so, y’know, if you want me to piss off at any point, tell me, yeah?”

Felipe laughs. “I will tell you,” he teases. It hasn’t occurred to him at any point so far. “But now, you are fine,” he clarifies, still smiling. 

“Well, that’s good,” Rob says, “‘Cos I’d be pretty fucked if you’d just dumped me at the motel back there. And besides, you’re pretty good company.”

Maybe it’s the casual ease of the compliment from someone he’s known for less than 24 hours, or maybe it’s because he feels a similar sentiment, but somehow, that makes Felipe feel really very sincerely pleased.


	3. Death Valley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB I have never been to Death Valley, so sorry if this is a fanciful interpretation.

“I was thinking I would like to go to Death Valley actually,” Felipe says presently. “I think we are close?”

“Don’t ask me, mate, I’ve not got a map,” responds Rob dryly.

Felipe takes the hint, and finally stops the car to get the map out. He gives it to Rob - at least now, he supposes, he has a navigator.

“I won’t tell you where we are if you don’t want me to,” Rob says with a grin, “But I think it’s best if one of us knows.”

“Maybe,” Felipe admits. 

“You’re right, though, we’re not far off Death Valley. We’ll need to turn left off this road in a bit. I’ll tell you when,” Rob says, and once again Felipe has to trust him - but it’s not proved unwise so far.

Rob tells him where to turn, and they keep following the road, through red sand and pale grasses and craggy, towering bluffs of banded rock. It’s spectacular, and they pull off to the side of the empty road to take photographs. 

“When you said it was close,” Rob says when they get back in the car, “How close did you think exactly?” 

Felipe shrugs. “I don’t know, I guess a few hours?”

Rob studies the map. “I get you,” he says eventually. “Can’t get used to the scale on this fucking map,” he mutters. 

Felipe laughs. “Don’t worry, I am used to driving a long way,” he says, reaching across and patting Rob on the shoulder. “I know is different for you,” he teases.

Rob shakes his head. “Mate, I live in a country where you could drive end to end in a day if you really tried, and we call that a very, very long way,” he says. “‘A few hours’ is not ‘close’ for me.”

Felipe laughs more. “You will get used to it,” he says cheerfully. 

"You just don't appreciate the size of this place until you get here," reflects Rob. "In the same time it takes to get to the next state, I could drive from my house to Italy."

"If you need a passport, it feels a long way, huh?" offers Felipe. 

“Right,” agrees Rob. “Have you ever been to Europe?” he asks.

“Yes, my grandfather was from Italy, so we go there, France, Portugal… Not England though,” Felipe confesses.

“You’ll have to come sometime,” Rob says easily. “It’s not that bad.”

Felipe laughs. “That is not a good advertisement,” he points out. 

Rob chuckles ruefully. “Nah, it’s alright really, I don’t want to put you off. But I guess it’s the same wherever you live, sometimes shit gets you down.”

“The weather?” supplies Felipe with a grin. 

“Yeah, that’s not great,” Rob says. “Much nicer over here, eh?”

Felipe shrugs. “Is normal for me.”

“Yeah yeah, no need to rub it in,” chides Rob. 

“Well, now you know someone from Brazil, you can come to visit when the weather in England is too bad,” Felipe says, returning Rob’s invitation. 

Rob nods, seeming like he’s really considering it. “Maybe I’ll come for the World Cup,” he suggests, smiling.

“And the Olympics as well,” Felipe supplies. 

“I might hold you to that,” Rob chuckles. 

Rob’s navigation is reliable, to Felipe’s secret relief, and eventually they reach the national park with no missed turns.

“Twenty dollars?” Rob exclaims when they’re confronted with an automatic payment kiosk. “There’s not even a guy to take the money, what do you reckon?”

Felipe is reluctant to do as Rob is suggesting and just skip the fee. “I don’t want to be sent home,” he explains. “In America, is serious, you know?” It’s hard enough to get into America these days, he doesn’t want to commit even the slightest infraction.

Rob sighs. “I suppose you’re right,” he grumbles, pulling a twenty from his wallet. At least he accepts the ten dollars Felipe gives him for his share. 

“We do have enough petrol, don’t we?” Rob suddenly asks, as they drive through the empty valley. 

“I hope,” Felipe says cheerfully. 

“Oh god,” Rob mutters, looking up at the sky through the windscreen. “I can see buzzards circling y’know.”

Felipe just laughs, but when they come to a small service area he pulls in. “So you feel better,” he says with a grin. 

They both go into the touristy little shop - Felipe makes sure he pays for the petrol this time, but Rob buys several bottles of water and a map of the park, which they look at in the car. 

“I want to go to the Racetrack!” Felipe says, pointing at a location some way north of where they are. He doesn’t know exactly what it is, but the name is enough to pique his interest.

Rob frowns. “Are you sure this car will survive unpaved roads?”

“We will see, huh?” is Felipe’s immediate response, delivered with his most winning smile. 

It’s a circuitous route to where Felipe wants to go; it gives them a chance to take in their surroundings, but the heat of the afternoon grows more and more oppressive in Felipe’s poorly air-conditioned car. Felipe’s fairly accustomed to it, but next to him he can see Rob swigging water, sweat dampening his hair and beading on his skin. 

“Is pretty hot,” he says, reaching for the water from Rob. “Maybe we just stay on the road and drive through, huh?” he offers. The capabilities of their car are unknown, there’s no phone signal here - he doesn’t want to be responsible if Rob passes out with heatstroke in the middle of the desert. He doesn’t want to be the stupid foreigner who didn’t prepare properly (even though, he knows, he is), and he’s sure Rob doesn’t either. 

“Don’t be daft,” Rob protests. He obviously sees what Felipe is doing. “You want to see it, you’ve come all this way, might as well keep going.”

Felipe shrugs. “If you are sure…” 

“Let’s keep going and see how we do,” Rob assures him. 

Felipe stops a couple of times, where there’s a store and some shade, on the pretext of letting the engine cool, which is true, but he wants to make sure Rob can cool too. Maybe he’s worried over nothing, but better safe than sorry. He tops the water up in the radiator and buys ice lollies for himself and Rob. They struggle to eat them before they melt, and the steering wheel is sticky under Felipe’s hands when he starts to drive again. 

Eventually the tarmac gives way to a rough track, but they haven’t been on it long before Felipe starts to feel uneasy. His fingers are already buzzing from the vibration going through the steering wheel, and he can see how jagged some of the rocks in the road are. He’s slowed the car to a crawl, but he knows it’s only a matter of time before he hits one and it’s a long walk back in the baking sun to the last ranger station.

“I think this is where we stop,” he says reluctantly. “Is too hard for the car I think.” 

“You’re probably right,” Rob says. Felipe thinks he can hear a note of relief in his voice, even though his expression is kept manfully neutral. “Shame to get so close and have to give up though, eh.”

“Sorry,” says Felipe. He frowns. He feels stupid for wasting so much time coming all this way for nothing. “We lose all day here and is so hot. We should not have come.”

“Nah, it was worth a go,” says Rob kindly. “You’ve got to try stuff, or you’ll wonder what you’re missing.”

Felipe feels hugely cheered. He’s relieved Rob isn’t pissed off with him for this ultimately futile diversion. And after all, he did encourage him in the first place. He’s a very good sport, Felipe thinks. "That's true," he says gratefully.

“We gave it a good shot," Rob says. “I just hope you’re not too disappointed we didn’t get all the way there.”

“No, no,” Felipe says, touched that Rob is concerned about his feelings even though he's undoubtedly been suffering more on the way here. “I just see the name and I like it. I did not know it before.”

Rob grins. “You’re a spontaneous kind of guy, aren’t you? Just do what you feel like.”

Felipe chuckles. “I guess,” he says. “If I have a plan, maybe I change my mind anyway.”

Rob laughs. “At least we got to see a lot more of the valley,” he says. “I’ve never experienced anything like it. This is what I came here for, for something completely different, y’know?”

Felipe nods. He leans over and looks at the map on Rob’s lap. “If we go a different way back, we see more different things,” he says, tracing a road going in the opposite direction, leading out of the valley to the east.

“Good plan,” Rob agrees as Felipe carefully turns the car around. “So, where’s next on your list? If you had one, anyway,” he asks, a little wryly. 

Felipe grins at him. “I think is Las Vegas, yes?”

Rob grins right back. “I like your thinking.”


	4. Las Vegas

The hottest part of the day is over, so the drive out of the valley is a lot more bearable. The landscape isn’t very much different outside the national park: it’s more desert, but the road is better and Felipe can put his foot down again. After the tough conditions in the valley, it seems like it takes hardly any time at all before they’re approaching the city.

Felipe feels a flutter of excitement as they begin to see signs for the things he’s seen in movies and on TV. He may not have liked San Francisco, but he has a much better feeling about Las Vegas. It’s bright and showy and doesn’t pretend to be anything else. 

When they arrive, the traffic is pretty bad, but that’s nothing he’s not used to. It gives them a chance to stare out at the city.

“See anywhere you fancy?” Rob asks, gesturing out at the hotels surrounding them. 

Felipe laughs. “What do you think?”

“I think we need to find somewhere that’ll let in plebs like us. And will allow your car into the car park in a state like this,” Rob says. The car is still practically brick red from the desert dust, and Rob and Felipe are pretty grubby and sweaty themselves.

Still. “I think they take our money anyway,” Felipe says, glancing across at Rob with a smile. 

“You’re probably right there,” Rob agrees. 

To Felipe’s surprise, the hotels, even the nice ones, seem to be advertising much lower rates than he expected. So much so that they get a room each this time, as the hotel they choose seems to have plenty to spare. It’s nice to not have to share a bathroom with another guy, Felipe thinks, but he likes to have someone to talk to. 

Maybe Rob is the same, because Felipe’s hair is still damp from the shower when he comes knocking on Felipe’s room door. 

“Get your gambling shoes on,” Rob instructs, rubbing his hands together. “I’m ready to go!”

Felipe doesn’t need telling twice. They head down to the hotel’s casino, where they’re almost the best-dressed people there, in clean jeans and button-through shirts. The drinks are free, the buffet is decent, and it’s busy enough to be lively, but not overcrowded - Felipe’s happy to stay here for a while. 

Rob casts a dismissive eye over the slot machines. “I can do that in the pub at home,” he declares. “I want the full Las Vegas experience!”

Felipe laughs at him, but follows him over to one of the roulette tables. 

“Red or black?” Rob asks him.

“Red,” Felipe answers immediately. 

“Alright then, I’ll go with black. Winner pays for tomorrow’s hotel,” Rob proposes.

Felipe chuckles. “Deal.” He finds it funny how into this Rob is, but it’s infectious - it doesn’t take much to let Felipe’s competitive side out. 

He wins, and doesn’t waste the opportunity to laugh at Rob, just a bit. They play again, and again Felipe wins.

“Alright,” says Rob. “Odds or evens?”

“Even,” says Felipe, and wins again.

“When’s your birthday?” asks Rob, narrowing his eyes a little.

“April 25th,” Felipe says, giggling as Rob puts his bet on 25. “And yours?”

“28th of November,” Rob replies, and Felipe puts a few of his chips on 28, next to Rob’s. He’s not going to be reckless and put all his winnings on it though. He’s not going to let the house take those back.

“Now we see who is lucky, huh?” Felipe says with a grin. 

Of course, neither of them are lucky this time, but at least they didn’t risk much money. So they move away from roulette, try a few card games, have a few more drinks, and decide that really they shouldn’t limit themselves, they should see more of what Las Vegas has to offer. 

They head out of the hotel and just meander, gawping at the lights and incredible buildings like proper tourists. 

“You wanna go to a nightclub?” Felipe asks when they stop at another, swankier, hotel bar for more drinks.

Rob laughs, putting his hand on Felipe’s shoulder. “Mate, there’s nothing sadder than a 30 year old trying to be cool in a club next to a guy 10 years younger than him.”

Felipe shoves him lightly, not sure whether to be flattered or annoyed. “I’m 24 years old!” he exclaims. 

Rob looks at him in genuine surprise. “Really? Well, anyway, that’s still a world of difference from where I’m standing. I’m not looking to pull, and even if you are, I’m not being your wingman.”

“No, no,” Felipe explains. “I have a girlfriend.” An uneasy tide of guilt rises in him as he realises how long it is since he thought about her, properly thought about her. He shifts in his seat and focusses on Rob, tries to push the looming uncomfortable feeling away.

“Well then,” Rob says, as if that’s that. “Call me a boring bastard if you like, but I’m happy to just sit, have a drink. Easier to have a conversation here, isn’t it?” he adds with a smile.

Felipe finds himself smiling back. “Yes, and maybe if you have some more drinks, then you want to dance,” he says mischievously. 

Rob laughs. “We’ll see, eh.”

To be honest, Felipe is actually quite happy to just keep chatting with Rob. Their time together has been pretty claustrophobic in some ways, sitting together in the car, eating together, even waking up in the same room this morning - they’ve shared almost every waking moment since they met. They haven’t talked for every single one of those moments, but Felipe feels relaxed enough with Rob that there’s always something to say. He’s not embarrassed about his English, or worried he might not be understood - Rob is a sympathetic conversationalist, and even if he takes the piss out of Felipe for some of the things he says, it’s not because of the way he’s expressed himself. Felipe appreciates that. Rob is very easy to be around.

“So, you’ve got a girlfriend? That’s the first time you’ve mentioned her,” Rob points out.

“Well, we only met yesterday,” Felipe replies, gesturing between Rob and himself. 

“I guess so,” says Rob, looking a little surprised again. “Feels like forever,” he says with a grin.

“If you are bored, I think there are lots of buses you can catch,” retorts Felipe, raising his eyebrows.

Rob laughs. “Nah, you’re endlessly entertaining,” he says, nudging Felipe amiably. “But seriously though,” he goes on, before Felipe can respond. “If I really am getting on your nerves you can tell me to bugger off, I mean it,” he says earnestly.

Felipe just laughs. “I tell you this morning, is fine. And is still fine now,” he says, and means it. “I do not say is OK if is not OK, you know?”

“Well, that’s good that you’re honest,” Rob mumbles. 

The drinks are starting to kick in. Felipe’s a little bit relieved Rob hasn’t gone back to the girlfriend question, especially now. Rob’s right, he _is_ honest, and after a few drinks even more so - he’s a bit afraid of what he might say, or even just think. It’s not the time for wondering about that.

Rob goes to the toilet, and Felipe orders more drinks, tries to clear his mind, or maybe just muddy it enough to obscure the thoughts he wants to hide.

He opens his mouth to speak when Rob gets back, make sure he can direct the conversation, but he's surprised when Rob beats him to it.

"What's the scar?" he asks, indicating Felipe's forehead with two fingers over his own eyebrow. "I've not noticed it before. When you're driving I can't see that side of your face," he says with a little smile. "I mean, if you don't mind me asking," he adds, suddenly looking a little ashamed to have mentioned it.

"No, I don't mind," Felipe says. He's a little surprised Rob has noticed, but he doesn't mind talking about it. "I was in an accident."

"A car accident?" Rob asks.

Felipe nods. "But don't worry, was not my fault!" he clarifies, laughing. "I am a safe driver!"

Rob shakes his head, chuckling. "I wasn't thinking about that," he says. "But it must've been pretty nasty, head injury like that. And so close to your eye."

“Yes, it looked quite bad,” Felipe says. “But I don’t remember anything of what happened. I just wake up in the hospital and I feel OK, you know? Then they say I was in a coma for three days, they did an operation, I nearly lost my eye,” he explains cheerfully, watching Rob’s eyes widen. “But is OK, because I am here and everything is fine.”

“Bloody hell,” says Rob in wonder. “When did it happen?”

“Over a year ago now,” Felipe says. “Was last year, July.”

“Fuck, only a year?!” Rob exclaims. “And you’re here by yourself driving thousands of miles across a foreign country? Fucking hell,” he says with feeling. “You’re a braver man than me.”

Felipe chuckles. “That is good you say brave, before I come here some people say stupid,” he says wryly. “But maybe I do it to show I can.”

Rob nods. “I get you,” he says. “I bet people keep asking if you’re OK, wondering if you’re gonna freak out behind the wheel or something,” he adds with a grin.

“Yes,” Felipe says. “Always ‘Be careful! You are sure? I will come with you,’ every time I get in the car.” He sighs in frustration. “I don’t need, you know? The accident was nothing to do with me. I still love to drive.”

“I know,” Rob agrees. “So you’re a pretty lucky boy then, aren’t you? To be fine after all that.”

“Yes, my friend say maybe I use up all my bad luck with the accident,” Felipe chuckles. “Maybe is why I win in the casino, huh?”

Rob laughs. “Could be it, mate. In which case, we better put some more money on! And this time, I’m doing whatever you do.”


	5. Route 66

They move on to a few more places, but they’ve definitely drunk too much to stand any chance at card games, so they play a bit more roulette, win a little, lose a little, and eventually, despite Rob’s protests, Felipe persuades him to go to a club, just to say they have.

They mainly spend the time there drinking more, because even drunk, they both feel a little awkward dancing with another guy when there’s just the two of them. Rob complains about the music every five minutes, but it’s still fun and the interior of the club is pretty spectacular in a lunatic sort of way. They take a lot of dark, blurry photos to show people to say they’ve been there when they get home.

Felipe isn’t sure what time it is when they get back to their hotel, but he’s thoroughly satisfied with his Las Vegas experience. Maybe it’s the heat, maybe it’s the alcohol, but he finds he feels kind of horny. He doesn’t know when he’ll next get a room to himself, so he takes advantage of the privacy and jerks off quickly in the dark, thinking of nothing in particular, and falls asleep before he can even wipe himself clean.

He wakes up far too early, feeling about as grim as he might’ve expected. He still has an uncomfortable film of dried semen on his hand and stomach, or he wouldn’t remember getting off last night at all. He tries to sleep more, but all he can do is doze as he tries to ignore the nauseous feeling roiling inside him. Eventually he drags himself to the bathroom, carefully sips some water, brushes his teeth, and forces himself to shower, slowly.

His unhappiness is compounded when Rob knocks on his bedroom door again, looking perfectly fresh and perky.

“You don’t look so great, mate,” he says to Felipe needlessly. Then he laughs, which is really quite annoying.

“And you are fine?” Felipe shoots back accusingly.

“Never better,” Rob says breezily. “Head was a bit sore this morning, but took a couple of paracetamol and that cleared it right up.”

“Is good for you,” says Felipe sourly. Nevertheless, he takes the tablets Rob offers him, in the hope that they magically cure him.

“Aww, it’s ‘cos you’re so little, mate,” Rob teases. “I must weigh at least 3 stone more than you!”

Felipe has no idea how much a stone is, but he doesn’t care enough right now to ask. He drinks some orange juice and coffee at the breakfast buffet, and forces down a croissant because he feels like carbs might help. Worth a try, anyway.

Rob is happily wrapping up bread rolls in a napkin and pocketing fruit to take with them when they set off again. Felipe shakes his head with a smile, but he helps himself to a banana and a muffin as well, if only to get the best possible value out of the Las Vegas money-making machine. 

“Do you want me to drive?” Rob offers. “If you wanna have a kip in the back I don’t mind.” He seems to be saying it out of genuine kindness, not some pisstake, so Felipe forgives him a little for laughing at his pain earlier.

“No, is OK,” Felipe says. “I think if I drive I will feel better.” Having something to focus on will take his mind off feeling bad.

To Felipe’s relief, Rob keeps quiet as they drive, just lets him concentrate on the road and the car and trying to pull himself together. When they get onto the highway again, windows down and fresh air in his face, he starts to slowly perk up. 

“Anyway, was fun,” he says eventually, glancing at Rob with a small smile. 

“It was that,” Rob agrees. “And I don’t think we disgraced ourselves or our countries too badly,” he adds with a grin. 

“We were very good,” Felipe laughs. “At home they will not believe me.”

“By the way, speaking of home,” asks Rob, “How long are you planning on staying in America?”

“I will fly home from Chicago on the 28th,” Felipe says. 

Rob nods. “So you’ve got about two weeks… Should make it, even in this thing,” he chuckles, patting the dashboard in front of him. 

“How about you?” Felipe asks.

Rob shrugs. “I was thinking I’d see how I feel when I’ve got a bit further east, see when I’m ready to go back,” he says nonchalantly.

“You don’t have a ticket home?” Felipe asks.

“I didn’t know how long I’d want to stay,” Rob explains with a laugh. “Made it a bit of a nightmare at passport control, I have to say.”

“Maybe you stay, huh,” Felipe jokes.

“Nah, I know I’ll want to go home, but this way… I’ve got a bit more freedom,” Rob says. He’s looking out the window, and Felipe can’t see his face. 

“Freedom is good,” Felipe agrees. 

They’re both quiet for a while, until Rob asks, “So, where to today boss?”

Felipe shoots him a smile. “I like that,” he jokes. “I think maybe the Grand Canyon, is not too far,” he says. “A few hours,” he adds for clarity.

“Sounds good, definitely on my list,” Rob says. “I guess we’ll get there about teatime,” he muses, looking at the map.

Felipe giggles. “‘Teatime’,” he repeats. “Is always teatime for English people.”

Rob rolls his eyes, nudging Felipe in the side. “I meant, it’ll be about 5 o’clock, so might be a bit late,” he says, speaking deliberately as if Felipe is stupid. “Maybe we should find somewhere to stay and go tomorrow.” 

“Yes, OK,” agrees Felipe. He’ll be feeling a bit more energetic by then, too. “There is a good place to stay?” he asks.

Rob looks at the map again for a moment. “Flagstaff looks like the nearest big town,” he says. “Let’s look there.”

They’ve been travelling for a while when Felipe exclaims, “Hey, look!” When Rob just looks at him quizzically, he explains. “The sign, it say Route 66! Is the next exit. We have to drive on Route 66!”

“Sure,” says Rob, looking amused. “I’m not sure it’ll be any different to any of these other roads we’ve been driving on, though.”

Felipe tuts. “Is the history,” he insists. “The feeling!”

When they turn off the interstate, Felipe is delighted to see the classic signs on the old route, and stops so Rob can take his photograph next to one of them. The scenery is the same as everywhere else they’ve been, of course, but there are kitsch little diners and gas stations and souvenir shops, and Felipe takes delight in stopping at several, even if only to take pictures. And after a traditionally griddled American diner meal, he’s feeling a lot better than he did in the morning. Rob is definitely laughing at his enthusiasm. 

“You don’t feel like this is real America?” Felipe says, grinning as he sips his second glass of Coke. 

“I guess so,” Rob chuckles. “Real America of 50 years ago, anyway.”

“That is the best,” Felipe asserts. “Rock ‘n’ roll and Pontiacs!”

Rob laughs. “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” he says. 

Felipe is suddenly seized by worry. “You are not?” he asks. 

“Yeah, I am,” says Rob, but there’s a ‘but’ in his tone, as if he’s glad to have been asked. Felipe waits, hoping Rob will take that as invitation to go on. “Just feeling a bit homesick today, I dunno why,” he finishes eventually. “Daft, eh?” he adds, chuckling sheepishly.

“No, no,” Felipe says hastily. He feels inexplicably guilty for not realising sooner. “I’m sorry,” he says, out of sympathy as much as apology.

“Nah mate, not your fault, is it?” Rob says, offering him a smile. 

Felipe smiles back. “That is good,” he says. “I mean, driving around with me, is easy to understand why you wish you are at home,” he jokes, relieved when Rob laughs. 

“Maybe that’s it,” Rob teases. “But actually you’ve been doing a good job taking my mind off it,” he says, and the smile he gives Felipe when he meets his gaze is much warmer. 

Felipe feels that warmth in his chest, unexpectedly strongly, pleased that Rob feels that way. He ducks his head modestly, hiding his smile. “Well, good,” he murmurs. “Is good to have a person to laugh at, huh,” he says, looking up again with a grin.

Rob laughs at him now. “Yeah, you’re ideal in that way,” he says, and when they leave the diner to go back to the car he slings his arm over Felipe’s shoulders in a friendly gesture that makes Felipe surprised all over again at how easy it is to be around this guy from halfway round the world who he’s only known for two full days.


	6. Flagstaff

Felipe feels preoccupied when they get back in the car, worrying that Rob isn’t happy, wondering what he can do to help - and, he has to admit, more than a little curious about why Rob is feeling this way. He can’t resist prying for long.

“What is it you miss from home?” he asks. “If you want we can try to find fish and chips,” he adds with a laugh, trying to keep things light.

Rob chuckles. “I dunno, it’s just nice to be able to sleep in your own bed in your own house with all your own stuff, isn’t it,” he says. “Just feels like a long way away.” He’s quiet for a minute before he chuckles again ruefully. “I’m a soft bastard aren’t I,” he says, obviously embarrassed.

“For sure not,” Felipe reassures him. “Is normal to miss your home when you are so far away.”

“You’re doing alright though aren’t you?” Rob says. At first Felipe thinks he is saying, _'If you’re OK, why aren’t I?'_ but then he realises Rob is actually asking him, making sure Felipe really is OK and he hasn’t just assumed.

Felipe feels touched, but it makes him think. “Yes, I am fine,” he says, but maybe he sounds too thoughtful, because he can tell Rob is still looking at him.

“You sure?” he asks, and Felipe knows he faces a choice here from which he can’t go back. He can say _‘Yes, of course’_ and leave it there, or he can think out loud the things that have been lurking and brewing in his mind that won’t seem to go away. Rob is still almost a stranger, but Felipe feels so comfortable with him - Rob has shared things with him, and it feels like a two-way street. And after all, people pay strangers lots of money to listen to their problems. Rob is right here, with no choice but to do it for free.

Felipe takes a deep breath. “Yes,” he says, “I think maybe I am too fine.” He chuckles wryly. “I think maybe I will not want to go home.”

“You’ve not been here that long, mate,” Rob points out. “You might be sick of it by the time you get to Chicago.”

Felipe shrugs. “Maybe, but… is not the problem.” He sighs. “Is not about America. Is more about home.” He glances at Rob, his heart suddenly fluttering. It’s out there now, it’s real - this will either make everything seem better, or break it beyond repair. 

He waits to see if Rob will say anything, whether he’ll be curious like Felipe or too polite and hold his tongue. Or maybe Felipe’s got it all wrong, and Rob really doesn’t care to hear.

“Oh yeah?” asks Rob. Felipe can’t quite tell if he is genuinely curious, or he’s asking because he knows Felipe wants him to. 

One last chance to forget it, just smile and say yes. But Felipe is committed in his mind now, he feels ready. So he says, "Yes. Is just... I don't know what I will do when I go back, you know?"

"You not got a job?" asks Rob.

Felipe shakes his head. "I quit.” He shrugs, chuckling ruefully. “It was OK, but… I want something _more_ , you know?” He takes one hand off the wheel, gesturing expressively and hoping he can convey what he means without sounding like a loser. “But… I don’t know what,” he finishes. 

“You’re still a young lad, you’ve got loads of time to figure it out,” Rob says without hesitation. “Just enjoy yourself while you can, before you’ve got all the responsibilities. And while you’ve still got the energy,” Rob chuckles. 

Felipe tries to smile. “Is what I thought, so I decide to come here,” he explains, “But is hard. Is like I am looking for something, but I don’t know it.”

“You don’t need to know,” Rob says softly. “It’s better to have an open mind, than be fixed on one thing and it not work out.” He pauses, like he’s making sure Felipe grasps that completely. “I know it sounds like a cliche, but you’ll know when the right thing comes along.”

“I don’t know,” Felipe says doubtfully. “I am pretty stupid!” he says, laughing now. 

Rob laughs too, shaking his head. “You don’t seem that stupid to me,” he says. “And believe me, I know - I’m a teacher,” he goes on, chuckling. 

“A teacher, huh,” says Felipe, welcoming the change of direction for now. “What do you teach?”

“Maths,” says Rob. “In a college, so, 16 to 18 year olds.” 

“Maths, I am so bad at maths,” says Felipe airily.

“Yeah, people always say that,” says Rob wryly. “And they sound so proud about it too, makes me feel like I’m wasting my time.”

“If you try to teach me, you are,” jokes Felipe. 

“Don’t worry, I’m on holiday,” is Rob’s reply. “The only teaching I’ll do is if a bandit holds us up and says he’ll shoot us if I don’t show him how to do quadratic equations.”

Felipe giggles. “If that happens, is good you are here,” he says. “Otherwise…” He mimes a gun at his own head, fires it, and laughs. 

They get to Flagstaff, as predicted, at around five. “Now you need to find some tea,” Felipe teases as they wait in the rush-hour traffic. 

Rob rolls his eyes. “So, do you want to share a room again, or…?” he asks.

“Is OK with me,” Felipe says lightly. “Is cheaper as well.”

“Yup, and that’s fine with me,” agrees Rob. “It was a bit weird not having you in the room last night. Too quiet,” he says, laughing as Felipe gives him a look. 

He doesn’t mind really, though, not at all. Even if Rob is joking, it’s a nice joke to make. Reassures Felipe that he’s not getting on Rob’s nerves yet.

When they’ve travelled a few slow hundred metres down the road though, Rob points at a sign ahead. “What about a hostel? They’re even cheaper.”

“I never stayed in one before,” says Felipe. 

“They’re great fun,” enthuses Rob. “Always loads of people from all over the world. Usually interesting people too. And if they’re wankers, well, you don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want,” he says with a grin. 

Felipe chuckles. “Sure, it sounds fun.”

The man behind the desk studies his reservation book when they arrive. "We do have beds, but they're in different rooms - is that OK?"

Felipe and Rob look at each other. "Is OK for me," says Felipe, thinking it would be a bit weird to say no, and Rob nods.

The rooms they're in are in separate buildings - Rob's is in a block across the car park, while Felipe's is upstairs in the main hostel. It's nice enough - it's not too cramped, with four sets of bunk beds, a sink, and a high window that opens, which is good, even if Felipe isn't tall enough to reach it himself. The bathroom is down the landing somewhere, but he's only paying $15 for the night so he has no complaints.

When he's made up his bed and stowed his stuff, he wanders back out to the communal area, where people are chatting, reading, typing on laptops. Rob is already there, talking to a guy who looks about Felipe's age, so Felipe goes over to join them. 

Rob gives him a smile in greeting. "This is Felipe who I was telling you about. He picked me up at the side of the road, and hasn't abandoned me yet, so I'm pretty grateful to him," he explains, chuckling.

Felipe grins. "Well, you are not so annoying. Yet," he says, looking from Rob to the new guy.

The other man smiles at him and extends a hand. "Nice to meet you," he says as Felipe takes it. "I'm Paul."

"You are English too?" asks Felipe.

"Yeah, but from a long way from your mate here," he says. 

"Yeah, he's a dirty southerner," Rob says.

Paul shakes his head. "Northern monkey!" he shoots back, and they laugh. "Can you even understand a word he says?" he asks Felipe. He might be joking, but Felipe isn’t sure.

"Of course," says Felipe. "Is no problem!" 

“He’s not stupid,” says Rob with a cheeky grin. 

Paul just laughs. “Anyway, I think a few of us were going to head out for a drink later, if you wanted to come?”

Felipe grimaces, and Rob glances at him, shaking his head. “Not sure we’re up for that tonight,” he says. “We’ve just come from Las Vegas,” he explains with a rueful chuckle.

Paul makes a sympathetic sound, but then laughs a little too. “I get you,” he says. “Maybe another night.”

“So we will stay here some more days?” Felipe asks Rob, when Paul has left. 

“Yeah I think we’ll have to, if we want to go to the Grand Canyon,” says Rob. “Paul said he was there the other day and it’s a long day out, so it’ll probably be good to have somewhere to come back to. They do an organised trip from here, if you want a break from driving.”

Felipe shakes his head. “No, driving is like freedom,” he says with a smile. 

Rob smiles back. “Yeah, you can do what you like.”

“If you agree,” adds Felipe. It feels like they’re partners now - almost like they always have been.

Rob gives him a friendly nudge. “I have done so far.”


	7. Grand Canyon

They find a Japanese restaurant for dinner ("Sushi in the desert, the traditional American way," Rob jokes), but afterwards it's comparatively early when Felipe finds himself flagging. He leaves Rob in the hostel lounge, chatting to Paul and a few other English people. Felipe is surprised how many there seem to be - maybe the weather is particularly bad in the UK at the moment. 

Even though it's not late, there are already several people asleep in his hostel room. He tries to be as quiet as possible as he gets ready for bed, tries to be considerate and doesn't even turn the light on, but he still hears someone sighing and turning over in a passive-aggressive sort of way. Felipe really isn't sure about this hostel experience so far, cheap or not. 

He wakes up early the next morning, partly because someone has opened the curtain across the window. Most of the people who were sleeping when he got in last night are gone now, and Felipe can't reach to draw the curtain again, so he thinks he might as well get up. There's someone in the shower when he gets there, but he doesn't want to miss his chance, so he just lurks in the corridor in the t-shirt and shorts he slept in, holding his towel and feeling like an idiot. 

There's free toast and cereal and coffee for breakfast at least, but when Felipe gets to the kitchen Rob isn't there yet, and neither is Paul or any of the other English folks, and all the people who are there are speaking languages Felipe doesn't understand. He sits down by himself and checks his phone as he eats his toast - he sends a few texts, to his brother, his mum, his girlfriend, just to say he’s alright and having a good time. His mum texts straight back, saying how lovely it is to hear from him, and she’s so glad he’s enjoying himself and she hopes he’s looking after himself. He doesn’t hear back from his brother before Rob appears and he puts his phone away, but Felipe figures he’s likely still asleep, even if the time at home is four hours ahead. He doesn’t hear back from Raffaela either, but she’s probably busy at work. 

“Did you sleep alright?” Rob asks him. He’s got some tea from somewhere - Felipe didn’t see any on the counter, so maybe he begged a teabag off one of the other English people. 

“Was OK, but I wake up early,” Felipe says. “You?”

“To be honest, not really,” Rob says. “The couple in the bed next to me decided it was a good time to get intimate. In a fucking bunk bed! With a bunch of strangers a few feet away! I’m embarrassed for them to be honest.”

Felipe can’t control his laughter. “Is good you were not on the top bunk,” he giggles. 

Rob chuckles. “There is that, at least. And I’m glad I didn’t see their faces, I wouldn’t be able to look them in the eye!”

“Is good you did not see anything else either!” responds Felipe, still immensely amused. 

Rob makes a face. “Definitely. I’m too old for this shit.”

Felipe nods. “To be honest, I think I like the motel more,” he admits. 

“You’ve got a point there, mate,” Rob agrees. “After we leave here, let’s stick to rooms without strangers who might decide to start shagging in the middle of the night.”

Felipe giggles. “Is OK for me.” It’s not like the hostel is awful, but it’s easier when there’s just the two of them, and they don’t have to put up with other people’s selfish or annoying behaviour - even if Rob’s story did give Felipe a good laugh. 

It’s a little misty when they set off on the drive to the canyon, still nice and early, but the mist quickly burns away and the sun is already warm when they reach the national park. There are plenty of other people there, but it’s not crowded at the rim of the canyon - the space is so vast, and view so spectacular, that Felipe barely notices anything else. 

They listen to a tour guide telling them the history of the canyon, the geology, the wildlife and plant life they might see - Felipe takes a few photos, but mainly he just wants to take everything in, absorb the landscape and the feeling of being in this place. He isn’t a churchgoing person, he’s not as religiously devoted as his mum or Raffaela, but for some reason he feels moved to offer a prayer, thanking God that he has the chance to be here, able to experience this for himself. He has a lot to be thankful for, he knows. 

It seems wrong to disturb the serenity by speaking as they walk down the path to the canyon floor. Felipe just listens to the sound of the birds, feels the warmth of the sun on his skin. 

It’s getting late when they reach the rim again - Felipe is surprised how much time they’ve spent. He’s tired when they get back to the car, but it’s a good, satisfied kind of tired. He’s definitely glad they have somewhere to go back to, rather than having to set out looking for somewhere new to stay now. Rob dozes off as they drive back to Flagstaff so Felipe turns the radio on, just quietly, to keep himself company. He feels perfectly calm and peaceful, even after the frustrations of the hostel earlier: he won’t remember those when he goes home, but he’ll remember the canyon all his life. 

When they get back to the hostel, they’re dusty and too tired to shower, so they grab some takeaway pizza and eat it in the hostel kitchen, chatting with some of the other English people. Everything seems so much more cheerful and friendly and comfortable now, and Felipe feels a lot happier about joining in with all these fellow travellers. 

“So where are you guys heading to next?” asks one of the girls, Felipe thinks she said her name was Donna, after they’ve told about their visit to the canyon. Everyone else has already been, on a trip from the hostel; today they’ve been on a similar trip, to Sedona, but nothing that they’ve said makes Felipe think it’s an unmissable place to visit. 

Felipe looks at Rob, who says with a grin, “Well, it’s up to Felipe. He’s the chauffeur, I’m the hanger-on.”

Felipe shrugs. “Well, I think it will be nice to visit Monument Valley,” he offers. 

Rob nods. “Good, ’cos I wanted to go there too,” he says, smiling. 

“Is definitely good you met me,” Felipe jokes. 

“It is, you need a car to get to places like that,” Rob agrees.

Donna and Paul look at each other, and then at Felipe. “Oh man,” starts Donna. “This is going to sound so cheeky, but we were just saying earlier how much we wanted to go, but it’s like you said, you need a car - I don’t suppose we could tag along with you could we?”

“We’ll give you money for petrol,” Paul joins in.

Felipe and Rob glance at each other. Rob’s look clearly says, _‘It’s your car, it’s up to you,’_ and Felipe, always friendly, is feeling particularly well-disposed and welcoming tonight. “Sure, is a good idea,” says Felipe. “Will be cheaper for us!”

“Thanks very much mate, you’re a star,” says Paul, clapping him on the shoulder. 

“Is very lucky you met me too,” quips Felipe, laughing. “Is nice to be popular. Even if is only because I have a car!”


	8. Monument Valley

The next morning is misty again as they set off, early, as the drive is much longer than it was to the canyon. Rob sits in the passenger seat next to Felipe with Paul and Donna in the back, and everyone speaks quietly if at all, it’s too early and the sky is nowhere near the blue it has been ever since Felipe got here. The roads seem lonely, even though there’s more people in the car; a tumbleweed rolls along the opposite side of the road, which Rob is so fascinated by he insists Felipe pull over so he can take a video of it. They stop at a desolate rest stop to get drinks and snacks and petrol, and the wind is so blustery it nearly snatches the car door out of Felipe’s hand. 

“There’s meant to be a city round here somewhere, at least it says so in the name,” says Rob, examining the map as they set off again. “But I can’t see a single house, can you?” 

There’s nothing there at all. 

“We’re on the Native American reservation now,” Rob explains. 

“No wonder the poor bastards all drink themselves to death,” says Paul. Felipe really isn’t sure if he’s joking, but whether he is or not, it makes him uncomfortable. 

Felipe turns on the radio and lets Rob mess around with the dial until he settles on some jolly Mexican banda that seems to amuse him. 

“Can you understand what they’re singing about?” Rob asks.

Felipe shrugs. “Not really when they sing,” he says. “Speaking, maybe!”

“You don’t speak Spanish?” asks Paul from the back.

Felipe looks at him through the rear view mirror. “Portuguese,” he says, perhaps a little more forcefully than he intends. 

“Aren’t they pretty much the same?” Paul continues, amiably enough, but Felipe feels needled. 

It’s not even that it’s wildly untrue, because he knows there’s a basis for it, but for a near-stranger to put it like that, so blase… Then again, Rob mistook him for a Mexican immediately after they met, but somehow it didn’t make Felipe feel nearly as defensive. Maybe because Rob actually apologised, and seemed to care that he’d made a mistake. 

Felipe chooses to simply say, “No,” hoping that will adequately convey his feelings. 

“If it helps, when I got here a taxi driver asked me if we spoke English in England,” Rob says, looking at Felipe with a wry chuckle. 

Felipe can’t help but laugh. “What did you say?”

“I wasn’t sure if he was taking the piss or not, and I didn’t want to fight him, so I just said, some do,” Rob says, and they all laugh. “Some more than others,” he goes on, turning to give Paul a pointed grin. 

“Where are you from, Donna?” asks Paul. “I mean, I can tell you’re a filthy northerner like this chap,” he says, grinning and indicating Rob with a nod of his head. 

Donna laughs politely. “I’m from Nottingham,” she says. 

“Not northern at all then!” exclaims Rob. 

“That’s all north to me!” goes on Paul.

At least this guy generalises about his own people too, Felipe thinks. He could join in and point out that he’s from further south than any of them, but he doesn’t know if he can keep up with them when they talk like this, about things that are common to all of them but he knows nothing about. His mind drifts, overwhelmed by the flood of three English voices at once, and he focusses on the Spanish on the radio and the straight, long road ahead of him. 

Rob nudges him after a short while. “You OK? You’re a bit quiet, it’s unusual,” he teases.

There’s been times when both of them have been quiet in the car before now, and Felipe wonders what Rob has noticed that makes this time different. But the fact that he’s asking makes Felipe smile genuinely. “Yes, I am fine,” he says, glancing at Rob with his open smile. “Is just, if I speak English a lot, hear English a lot, is hard for my brain,” he goes on, chuckling. “I tell you before, I am not so smart!”

Rob shakes his head. “I still don’t believe you,” he says. “Sorry, anyway.”

“No, no,” Felipe says. “I am still listening! Is fine, my brain is just resting,” he laughs. 

“Don’t rest it too much, we’d like to stay on the road, please,” Rob says, tapping lightly on Felipe’s head with his knuckles. 

Felipe laughs, and Rob drifts back to the conversation, which has continued in his absence. When Felipe looks in his rear view mirror, he’s not really sure Donna is quite as into it as Paul is, or as Paul thinks she is. He feels bad for her, but Rob gallantly steps in to take their focus onto himself. 

“Do either of you fancy driving for a bit?” he asks.

Felipe glances at him - he hadn’t thought about letting either of them behind the wheel, but he guesses it couldn’t hurt for a bit, the roads are wide and empty for the most part. He knows why Rob is asking though - if one of them comes up here and drives, Donna will have a bit of relief from Paul’s clumsy attempts at flirting. 

“Sure, I wouldn’t mind having a go,” says Paul.

Felipe feels a little uneasy as he pulls the car over so Paul can get into the driver’s seat. He sits in the front, while Rob goes to sit in the back with Donna. Felipe is sure that arrangement will be more agreeable. He keeps a close eye on everything Paul does - not that the car is so pristine he doesn’t want any damage to it, but precisely because its condition is so precarious he doesn’t want to see any clumsy moves. At least it’s an automatic, so there’ll be no gear-grinding or tortured engine sounds. Once Paul has got the hang of it, he drives fast - no faster than Felipe, admittedly, but it makes Felipe tense. Paul sometimes tries to turn his head to get involved in the conversation going on in the back seat, but after Felipe swearing at him in panic a few times, he stops that.

“It’s so weird being on the other side of the road,” he remarks. “Like, the controls are alright, but you expect traffic to be over there, you know?” he says, gesturing to the bare, open land ahead and to the right. “Then a car’ll come from over there,” he goes on, gesturing to the opposite side, “And it makes me jump a bit.” He chuckles a little, but Felipe doesn’t find it very funny. Every time a car comes the opposite direction now, it makes him jump a little too, hoping Paul has noticed it and isn’t drifting towards the middle of the road. 

Even at the speed Paul drives, it feels like it takes a very long time before they get to the valley. 

They stop at the information centre, and Donna and Rob spend some time looking at the exhibition there. Felipe tries, but he can’t keep up with them because the explanation panels are wordy and there are some parts he can’t understand - he knows the others would explain if he asked, but he’s embarrassed to keep asking, so he looks at the exhibits on display and then mooches in the giftshop.

“I didn’t come on holiday to learn!” jokes Paul, and Felipe manages only a weak smile. It’s not like Felipe has such a passion for history or studying, but he thinks finding out about unique places is the purpose of travelling. Why come at all if you’re not interested? 

“Finally!” Paul exclaims when Rob and Donna finally return. “You’re a proper pair of nerds, aren’t you?” he chuckles. Felipe thinks it’s no wonder Donna wasn’t so amenable to his flirtations if that’s the best he can do.

“Don’t parade your ignorance young man,” Rob admonishes, his tone light enough to make everyone laugh, but Felipe can totally imagine him saying the same thing to his students in college, and that thought amuses him even more.

They get back into the car to drive through the valley, but Felipe makes sure he’s back behind the wheel - after all, the terrain is more difficult now, he knows the car after their excursion in Death Valley, so he trusts himself more. He hopes Rob will get back in the front seat, or Donna, he’s hardly had a chance to speak to her, but they both get back into the back, leaving him with Paul again. He doesn’t want to think badly of the guy, after all, he barely knows him, but somehow everything he says seems to make him more irritating, even the most innocuous things. Felipe guesses once someone’s got under your skin, everything is magnified - in a good way, or in a bad way. 

They stop the car again a little way along the road to take photographs. The wind is even stronger here, and the sky is steel grey - Felipe thinks it might rain soon, and all the dust will turn to brick-red mud. It might not be the clear blue skies that are in all the films and photos, but it’s atmospheric. Felipe is actually pretty grateful to be able to see such an iconic place in a different way. 

The scenic route through the valley isn’t as long as Felipe expected. They stop a few more times for photos, and each time Rob and Donna get back into the back seat - Felipe really isn’t sure how to ask if they want to move around again without making it seem obvious that he wants to get rid of Paul. 

Eventually, at their last photo stop, he just decides to ask. “You want to sit in the front?” he says to Donna with a smile. “Is not so much space at the back, these guys have been already, is your turn!”

Donna smiles back. “Sure, if it’s OK with you guys,” she says, looking from Paul to Rob. 

“Course it is,” Rob chuckles. “But it means you’re in charge of the map for the way back.”

Donna grins. “I can handle it.” 

She can read the map, and Felipe is just relieved not to have Paul next to him anymore. He feels himself relaxing as they start to chat. Donna is a student, he finds out, just about to start her final year of university - studying economics. 

“Maths again!” exclaims Felipe. “Rob can help you,” he chuckles, looking at him in the rear view mirror. 

“I told you before, I’m on holiday!” Rob retorts. 

“Me too,” Donna laughs. “But it’s nice to meet someone I have that in common with, most people say ‘Oh, how boring’ or ‘I don’t understand it at all’.”

“I’m afraid I don’t,” Felipe says, and immediately feels annoyed with himself when Paul pipes up from the back, “Me neither!”

“By the way,” says Donna presently, “I was wondering if it’d be OK if we stopped somewhere on the way back? I saw this place in my guidebook that said it had some ancient cave-dwellings, and it’s right on this road. It shouldn’t take long!”

Felipe feels pretty ambivalent to the idea, in all honesty, with the sky still cloudy and time ticking on. He’s been driving solidly for days, but none of them have felt as long as this one. But still… if he says no, he’s only going to look like a jerk. “Sure,” he says, and the others make sounds of agreement too. 

It’s about half an hour before Donna indicates that Felipe needs to stop. There’s nowhere to leave the car but at the side of the road, and Felipe isn’t worried about thieves or vandals in this remote place, but he’s mildly concerned that the cops might come and tow it - to be honest, he has no idea of his vehicle’s history; it could be linked to crimes across California for all he knows. But he assumes they won’t be gone long enough for it to be a worry. 

They cross the road and start down a path into a red rock valley. The path is only really wide enough for single file, but he can still hear Paul’s voice behind him as he tries to make conversation - with whom, Felipe isn’t sure. He can’t even really hear the words, might be for the best, but he still feels irked. 

It seems like a long walk until Donna stops in her tracks, pointing down at a spot on the opposite wall of the valley.

“Look, it’s there,” she exclaims, setting off again at a quicker pace. She takes more photos than she even did at Monument Valley, Felipe thinks.

Rob peers over her shoulder at her camera screen as she checks the results. “These are really, really good,” he enthuses. “Have you had any training?”

“Oh no,” she says, looking down modestly. “Just a lot of enthusiasm and practice.”

“You should submit them to competitions and magazines and stuff,” Rob suggests. “If you don’t already.”

Donna laughs shyly. “I have done a few times,” she says. “And I have a photoblog. Remind me when we get back, I’ll give you my card with the details on.”

“Oh, can I have one too?” chimes in Paul. “And I’ll add you on Facebook.”

Donna smiles. “Sure, I’ll give you all one,” she says, apparently without thinking.

“Even better,” leers Paul with a dirty laugh, and Felipe has to turn away and bite his tongue.

Although the valley is sheltered from the wind, it hasn’t been hot all day, and now as the afternoon gets closer to evening, the temperature is dropping. Felipe is sure the English people haven’t even noticed, but he has, and he hasn’t even brought a jacket with him today, thinking he’d be in the car all day. It still looks like it might rain, too, and as they make their way back up to the road the first drops start to fall.

At least Felipe has the car keys, so he runs the rest of the way, beating them all to the car by some minutes and sitting inside, feeling damp and irritated but a little warmer at least.

“Bloody hell, how’d you manage that?!” Rob pants as he gets back in the back seat of the car. “You young ‘uns!”

Felipe manages a genuine smile at Rob’s incredulity, as well as his wet hair sticking to his forehead. “I run a lot,” he says, with only a trace of smugness. 

Donna gets into the car as well, in the front seat again - Felipe thanks God for small mercies. He starts the engine so he can turn on the heater, and Rob leans forward and puts his hand on Felipe’s shoulder.

“Shall we wait?” Rob says, deadpan, and Felipe giggles, relieved that he’s not the only one tired of Paul’s company. Next to him, he can see Donna trying to hide a smile too. He feels cheered that they’re all in agreement.

Paul is soon back too, and Felipe sets off, windscreen wipers on the fastest setting. It’s a proper rainstorm, but it doesn’t last too long, and when it stops the sky clears for the first time all day. Still, if anyone else wants to stop again before they get back to Flagstaff, Felipe thinks he’s quite likely to ignore them. 

The sky is darkening again by the time they get back to the hostel, but this time it’s dusk drawing in. Felipe feels inexplicably exhausted, and he wishes he had a room he could just go and relax in in peace, but the hostel is lively with people making food in the kitchen and watching TV in the lounge and chatting everywhere. He goes to get changed out of his damp, grimy clothes in his room, and he’d be quite happy to just get a quick meal somewhere and then just chill out here for the rest of the evening, but when he gets back to the main area, a group has gathered, and Rob is amongst them.

“It’s a few people's last night here, so they're going for a few drinks,” Rob explains. “You wanna go?” It's clear Rob is ready to go, so Felipe can’t really say no. 

The bar they go to isn’t far away, but when someone comes to serve them, they want to see ID.

“I’m sorry sir,” says a sour-faced girl as she examines Felipe’s driving licence, taking her time and turning it over in her hands with suspicion. “We can only accept American driving licences.” She doesn’t sound sorry at all, and Felipe can already feel his temper fraying.

“OK, I will just get a Coke,” he says, even though a beer is exactly what he needs right now.

“You still need ID,” says the girl, something like scorn on her face, and Felipe feels mortified as well as enraged. “Like a passport,” she says, patronising and disdainful.

Felipe stands up without a word, and strides from the bar. His cheeks feel hot with anger - they only treat him this way because he’s Latin, he thinks, but then he hears a voice calling his name. For a moment he thinks it must be Rob, but then he turns and no, it’s Paul, and he starts walking again almost without letting him catch up. 

“This is so stupid,” Paul complains. “We can actually drive with our licences, but we can’t get a drink?! Fucking America.”

Right now, Felipe is inclined to agree. He hasn’t felt this angry in a long time, and he knows it’s disproportionate, but all the frustrations of today are boiling up together inside him, and he stomps to his room, digs out his passport and marches back to the bar. He tries to work through all his anger so he can simmer down by the time he’s with the others again, but when he pushes open the door and the first thing he sees is Rob, chatting and laughing with Donna, he feels it swell and flash right back up, and for the first time he has a very sudden and clear realisation that he might be in more trouble than he ever could’ve predicted.


	9. Flagstaff, redux

Felipe heads straight for the bar and orders himself a beer and, on second thought, a whisky as well. He pushes his passport across the bar with a glare, but he isn’t served by the same supercilious girl from before, so it doesn’t feel anywhere near as satisfying as he’d like. 

He downs the whisky at the bar, and heads back to the table, hearing his pulse loud in his ears.

Rob looks up at him with a sympathetic smile, and shifts closer to Donna on the bench to make room for Felipe next to him. Felipe gratefully slides in, taking a long drink of his beer.

“I think you’ve earned that today,” Rob says. He holds up his own bottle, and chinks it against Felipe’s. “Cheers.”

Felipe smiles. He’s starting to relax already, and he’s not sure if it’s the whisky, or if Rob just knows the right thing to say. 

“How do you say ‘cheers’ in Brazil?” asks Donna.

“Saúde,” Felipe replies.

“Saúde,” Donna imitates, giggling at her effort as she touches her bottle to Felipe’s as well.

“Pretty good,” Felipe says.

“You sound knackered, mate,” says Rob. “It was really good of you to drive us all that way and back today.”

“Yeah, thanks very much, I really appreciate it,” adds Donna.

Felipe smiles and shrugs. “Well, I wanted to go as well,” he says, but it’s true, he’s tired, and his brain is spacing out. The beer is doing nothing to help him stay awake either, and after another bottle he’s ready to fall asleep right there on Rob’s shoulder. 

“Nice to know we’re such scintillating company,” says Rob dryly, nudging Felipe in the side.

“Sorry,” says Felipe sheepishly. “I think I will go back to the hostel to sleep.” He wants to stay, he doesn’t want to feel like he’s missing out on anything, but he knows he’ll just end up moody and snapping at people, and that will be much worse. 

“You just can’t keep up with this pace, can you?” teases Rob, but he immediately goes on, “Actually, I think I might join you. I’m so much older than you, I need my rest even more,” he says with a grin. 

Felipe doesn’t even bother to pretend to himself that he’s not pleased that Rob has chosen to join him, rather than stay with Donna and the others. He’s even more certain that the trouble he’s in is real, but he just wants to enjoy it. 

“Is a surprise that you came with me,” Felipe says as they head back to the hostel.

Rob shrugs. “I’d had enough, to be honest,” he admits. “They’re all so fucking young! You reckon you’re still the same as a 20 year old, till you hang out with 20 year olds,” he goes on with a dry laugh.

Felipe laughs too. “Sorry.”

“Nah, you’re alright, mate,” Rob says. “You’ve not been annoyingly youthful yet.”

“I am old?” Felipe teases.

Rob shoves him playfully. “You know what I mean,” he says. “There’s a big difference between 20 and even 25.”

Felipe does know what he means, very well. 

“Shall we get out of here tomorrow?” Rob asks, to Felipe’s relief.

Felipe nods. “And next time - not a hostel,” he says, meeting Rob’s eyes with a grin.

“That’s OK with me,” Rob agrees. “Sorry you ended up getting used as a very long distance taxi driver.”

“No, is like I say, that is OK,” Felipe explains, “But…” 

“The company could’ve been a bit better,” Rob supplies, chuckling.

“Yes,” Felipe says, making a face. 

“He seemed alright at first, but it wore thin pretty quickly,” Rob says. “Sorry about that, too.”

“Is not your fault,” Felipe says. “But I am glad I didn’t pick him up in San Francisco, for sure,” he adds, grinning at Rob.

Rob smiles. “He’d’ve been dumped at a service station in no time, would he?”

“Yes,” says Felipe emphatically.

“Well, I’ll count myself lucky then,” Rob says. “I’ll stay on my best behaviour."

It's not late at all, but Felipe takes the opportunity to be the one turning the lights out early and making annoyed sounds at anyone who comes into the dorm after him. He's been dog-tired all evening, but as soon as he's lying in bed, he finds his brain won't quiet. The way he felt when he saw Rob, having fun with other people, _without him_ , was - Felipe knows there's only one word for it, an ugly, unwanted word - _jealousy_ , because Rob is _his_ friend, and he doesn't want him to be stolen from him by some pretty young girl, or anyone else. The thought that Rob could, at any point, say _’Actually, I’m going to go my own way now’_ , turns the thought of the rest of his journey into a bland, empty prospect that leaves him cold inside. 

But Rob hadn’t said that, and he hadn’t even stayed at the bar with his fellow countrymen and women. He’d chosen to come with Felipe, and Felipe is scared by how happy that made him. He never saw this one coming. But Rob is just… such a good guy, so easy to be with. And, besides that, he seems so cool and sure of himself. Felipe still needs to learn how to be a bit more that way himself. 

So Felipe supposes he can understand how this happened, after spending so much time in such close company for the past few days, absorbing Rob’s presence with little other input, and coming to admire him. But that doesn’t stop this being a pretty big fucking problem. He has a girlfriend - he shouldn’t have feelings for anyone else. He doesn’t want to feel this way! He’s never been one of those guys who can just flit from girl to girl, dropping them for the next one when he feels like it - he’s loyal, honest. This has never happened to him before, and he’s ashamed of himself. 

It’s not the first time he’s had a crush on another guy - and that’s what it is, a crush, like teenagers have - but before, they were cool older boys who he might’ve played football with, or handsome guys who played in bands. This is the first time it’s happened like _this_ , so fast, and with someone who’s right there next to him, who he’s shared so much with already, who he calls a friend, even after such a short time. He’s worried.

He lies in the dark and listens to his own heartbeat, feels it thudding in his chest. Eventually he reaches for his phone to text his brother. He feels like if he at least shares how he’s feeling, even if he doesn’t go into detail, maybe he’ll feel reassured. Maybe it’s not as big a deal as it seems as he lies here alone in the dark. At least, he thinks, it’s not as big a problem as some of the messes Dudu has been in before.

 _’Shit, man… I think I might’ve got myself in trouble here’_ , he sends, wondering too late what he can tell Dudu if he asks for more specifics. 

It’s the early hours of the morning back home, but he gets a reply back quickly. His brother obviously wants all the gossip. _’You’ve not knocked some chick up already have you bro?!! Hahaha’_ is Dudu’s sympathetic reply.

Felipe sighs. He should’ve known it was too much to expect his brother to show any understanding. _’Fuck off!’_ he sends back, because not replying would probably lead to fifty other texts by morning from all his friends, who would undoubtedly have been informed of Dudu’s assumption as if it were fact. 

_’What is it then?’_ Dudu replies.

Felipe hesitates. What can he say? He's always been close to Dudu, but this time he really doesn't feel like he can tell him even a little bit of the truth. 

He sets his phone aside again, and closes his eyes. He might wake up to a lot of pestering texts from his brother, but maybe by then he’ll have thought of a suitable reply. Or maybe everything will be fine, his mind will be clear, and this will all be a silly moment of confusion. Ever the optimist, Felipe can only hope that’s true. But if it’s not, he knows it’s something he’ll have to deal with alone.


	10. US Route 180

Everyone is leaving in the morning. Most are heading to the bus station - at least the hostel has transport, so Felipe doesn’t feel guilty for not offering anyone a lift. Donna gives them her card, as promised, and hugs them all goodbye - maybe it’s just Felipe’s imagination, but it seems like she hugs Rob for rather longer than anyone else. Felipe files that away for future probing later.

Felipe can’t deny he feels relieved to be on the road again, even after their lengthy excursion yesterday. He didn’t really feel like he could relax in the hostel, but if someone were to ask him why, he’s not sure he’d be able to fully explain it. 

“Better get the map out again, eh,” says Rob, finding the page they’re on. “Where do you fancy heading to next?”

Felipe glances over as best he can. “Where is close?” he asks.

“Well, we could go north, head towards Colorado, lots more national parks and that,” says Rob. “Or we could go a more southerly route, towards Texas.”

“Texas!” says Felipe immediately. 

Rob chuckles. “You’re the boss,” he says. “It’s quite a long drive till we get there though, so we’ll have to stop at least once on the way I think.”

“Is OK,” says Felipe. “Is the journey that is important, huh?”

Rob smiles. “Seems that way, doesn’t it?”

It’s not long before Felipe can’t resist asking about their farewell scene in the hostel. “I think maybe Donna liked you quite a lot, huh?” he teases, trying to sound as matey and laddish as he can. 

Rob’s face reddens. “I dunno about that,” he says, and Felipe can’t help but laugh at his discomfort. 

“For sure she did,” he presses on, knowing Rob thinks so too. 

Rob ducks his head, running his hand through his hair in embarrassment. “Maybe,” he admits. “There’s no accounting for taste is there,” he mumbles.

Felipe isn’t entirely sure what that means, but he guesses Rob is trying to be self-effacing. “You will stay in touch?” he probes, though it feels a little like prodding at a loose tooth to see when it’ll start to hurt.

“With Donna?” Rob shrugs. “I’ll probably add her on Facebook, but when we get back to England I don’t think we’ll be rushing cross-country to meet up,” he says with a wry smile.

“Aww, you will disappoint a nice girl like that?” Felipe chuckles, hoping he doesn’t sound as self-conscious as he feels. 

Rob laughs. “She was very nice, yes, but very, very young. It’s like I said last night, it’s a world of difference. I’m not having a midlife crisis yet!” He pauses for a moment before he goes on, more seriously, “But even if things were different… it’s like I said to you in Las Vegas, I’m not looking, really. I mean, if it happens it happens, but… well, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”

Felipe allows himself to feel secretly pleased with that answer. He’s very quickly come to the conclusion that beating himself up about his situation is unlikely to do any good - he definitely doesn’t want to make himself feel awkward around Rob, so he’s just going to pretend everything is just as it was, and just enjoy the rest of their travels together. After all, in a week or so he’ll be heading back home, and Rob will just be a guy he’s going to tag in a lot of Facebook photos. And if they do happen to meet again, if Rob does come to the World Cup or Felipe ever visits England, they’ll just be mates and this silly crush or whatever will all be forgotten about. So Felipe is just going to let it run its course. No point worrying. 

He tries to ignore the part of him that’s telling him he’s selfish for deciding to continue this way, indulging his own feelings while he can. There were some people at home who called him selfish for coming here anyway, and maybe they were right, but the people closest to him, the people who really _know_ him, they understood. His brother, his parents, Raffaela understood. 

He’s hit with a fresh stab of guilt, thinking how lucky he is to have this freedom, and how he’s taking advantage of it in such a lowlife kind of way, but he thinks that it’ll be be OK as long as he sticks to what he told himself, and doesn’t _do_ anything. For better or worse. 

And then, if this feeling doesn’t just fade away… Well. That’s something else again. In Rob’s words, he’ll cross that bridge if he comes to it.

“So, what is on the way to Texas?” he asks, trying to push away those thoughts and get himself and Rob back onto their normal wavelength. 

Rob seems relieved. “Well, there’s Roswell,” he says. “That might be a laugh.”

Felipe grins. “Sure. We will need better sunglasses I think.”

Rob laughs. “Yeah, it’d be a bit shit to get our memories wiped.”

And just like that, Felipe feels relaxed again and everything is back to normal. Even after a few heavier words, things don’t go weird between them, and Felipe likes that most of all. 

“It’s a pretty long way,” says Rob. “It’ll probably take us all day, so hopefully we can find somewhere to stay there. And hope we don’t get abducted or anything.”

Felipe giggles. “Is probably a lot of strange people there,” he suggests.

Rob raises his eyebrows. “Well, I guess that number’s about to increase by two more then,” he says dryly. 

“You think I am strange?” Felipe asks, laughing in surprise. He’s always thought himself to be quite a standard, everyday sort of person.

“Mate, we’re two blokes who decided to travel alone in a massive foreign country without the faintest clue where we were going - I don’t think that’s your usual run-of-the-mill life decision,” Rob points out. 

When he puts it that way, Felipe can see what he means. “Well, usual is boring,” he says firmly.

Rob smiles. “Too right,” he says. “Keep surprising people. Especially yourself,” he adds unexpectedly, and for some reason Felipe feels his heart skip a beat. 

“I think I surprise a lot of people when I say I am coming here,” he admits. 

“Me too,” says Rob, but he’s grinning. “They all definitely thought I was having that midlife crisis. I think my mum was worried she’d never see me again, that I was going to run off and join a commune.” He laughs, and Felipe does too. "And I think my mates were imagining me riding through the desert on a Harley or something. Oh, you think that's funny, do you?" he asks jokingly when Felipe continues to laugh. "Seems too absurd?" 

Felipe shakes his head. "Is not like that, is just, this is very different," he giggles, gesturing around him at the crappy car. "I think this is not what you and your friends imagined."

Rob chuckles. “To be honest, I thought it’d all be truckers and the odd hippy. Fuck knows where I’d’ve ended up. Looking back, it seems a bit of an optimistic plan,” he laughs wryly. “I know I said this before, you’re probably going to think I’m a proper sap, but I really was lucky you picked me up.”

Felipe can feel his cheeks getting warm. He almost wishes Rob wouldn’t say things like that, because it’s just feeding this stupid feeling inside him, but it’s too nice, too easy to just enjoy it. He smiles. “I think always things happen when they are supposed to,” he says truthfully. 

Rob looks at him, raising his eyebrows. “You believe in destiny then?” 

Felipe can tell Rob is trying not to sound as dubious as he obviously feels, but he doesn’t really mind. He shrugs. “Is not that, destiny is not the right word,” he says, gesturing earnestly with one hand. “But I think things happen at the right time, you know?” 

Rob nods. “Yeah. I guess you’ve got to take your opportunities when they come.”

“Yes,” Felipe agrees. “And sometimes if something happens, a bad thing, is so something good can happen. You know?” He’s not sure he’s explaining it right, but Rob looks thoughtful. 

“I’m not sure I believe all that everything-happens-for-a-reason stuff,” he says. “Sometimes the stuff that happens is just shit, and it’s all you can do to deal with it.”

Felipe laughs softly. “For sure,” he says. “But is better for me to find the good things.” 

“That’s a good philosophy,” Rob murmurs. He’s quiet for a minute, then he asks, “So when you had your accident, did something good happen after that? Is that why you think like that?”

Felipe is surprised by the question, but he doesn’t feel that Rob is challenging him, just that he’s curious - maybe he wants evidence, wants to see things Felipe’s way. 

Felipe shrugs. “I decided to come here,” he says, briefly taking his eyes from the road to meet Rob’s gaze. “So I think so.”


	11. Roswell

It’s an eight hour drive to Roswell. The road is straight and the scenery doesn’t change for miles and miles, and when the conversation lulls Felipe drifts, following the horizon, a thin strip of tan under a deep blue expanse of sky. This is what he expected when he came here, this time to think, uninterrupted for hours and miles, but now he can’t stop thinking about Rob even if he tries, turning this problem over and over in his mind. It’s not a big deal, he tells himself again, it’s nothing, these things happen, it doesn’t mean anything - but even as he tries to reassure himself, it feels like thin ice on a deep pond. 

His thoughts feel too loud, with Rob right there beside him. But he knows this isn’t just about Rob. If it were, it’d be much easier to just accept it as a passing fancy, something to secretly enjoy and then let go, like he’s been trying to. But it's not really that simple. This is just another jag, another knot, another complication on top of everything. He came here to get some space, some distance, some time to himself to try and see things more clearly, and he's just getting more and more lost.

But then, he thinks wryly as he stares forward through the windscreen, the miles and miles of straight road get boring after a while.

When they finally reach Roswell, it’s easy to find a motel room, and when the rates are the same for a twin room as they are for one single, they both agree it makes sense to keep sharing. He knows it's probably a bad idea, especially if Rob is as lackadaisical about dressing as he was the last time they shared a room, but he wants to be around Rob, that's all there is to it. 

"I finally feel like I can relax again," Rob says when they're getting ready for bed. "I've stayed in hostels before, but I just couldn't feel totally comfortable in that one. I dunno, you never know who's in the room with you. I guess I've got more paranoid these days," he says ruefully.

"No, I think so as well," Felipe agrees. "To trust everybody is very difficult." He doesn't know why he found it so easy to trust Rob, but that's part of why Felipe likes him so much, he supposes - he doesn't see any deceit in him, just a straightforward bloke. Felipe doesn't like people who pretend.

But then, sometimes pretending is a part of life, he reflects, as he tries not to look at Rob's shirtless chest when he changes for bed. So far he hasn't thought about touching Rob, about kissing him - it's more that he enjoys his company more than he should, wants all of Rob's attention on him - but he can't help thinking about it now. He closes his eyes, disappointed in himself - he's sure Rob wouldn't feel comfortable if he knew, and that makes him feel even worse. It feels like ages since they shared that motel room back in California - seems like so much has changed. Felipe guesses change was what he wanted, but this isn't what he had in mind. 

In the morning, they waste no time in heading out, because they're both pretty keen to see what all the fuss here is about. There's alien stuff everywhere, all over the town, and Felipe learns a new piece of English vocab, because Rob says the word 'tacky' so often. By the time they've been all round the UFO museum, neither of them can stop giggling. 

"You've got to give them credit for milking this for so many years," Rob says.

Felipe is still laughing. "I think it is the only reason anyone come here," he says. "Before the aliens, nobody came."

"Clever marketing ploy, eh," Rob adds with a grin. "There's no other fucking reason to come here, let's face it." 

Feeling they've well and truly covered Roswell, they’re already back on the road by mid-afternoon.

"So," asks Rob as they're leaving the town behind them, "Has your trip been what you expected so far?"

Felipe laughs at first, because he doesn't think Roswell was exactly what either of them expected, but then he starts to think. "I dunno," he says, then to buy himself some time asks Rob, "What about you?"

"I don't know either," says Rob. "I guess that was a stupid question," he laughs.

"No, no, I'm thinking," says Felipe. "I think I expect to be alone more," he says thoughtfully, then regrets it when Rob laughs.

"I see," says Rob. "Sorry if I ruined your plans."

"No no no!" Felipe protests as Rob continues to chuckle. "I thought I will be alone, I will be thinking a lot," he explains. "I will see people, maybe learn some things, experience a lot, but most of the time I will be travelling alone."

"Journey of self-discovery," Rob offers. 

Felipe isn't sure if Rob is being facetious, but he actually thinks it's a fair assessment. "Yes, I think so," he agrees.

“So have you discovered anything yet?” Rob asks.

Again, Felipe can’t quite tell if Rob is taking the piss out of him, or if he’s trying to disguise his curiosity with a teasing tone in case Felipe tells him to mind his own business. But Felipe doesn’t want to do that, even if maybe he should, under the circumstances. Maybe Rob isn’t even expecting a real answer, but Felipe feels like he wants to give one. Maybe if he thinks out loud, it’ll help. Maybe Rob can help. At least, he feels like Rob genuinely gives a shit, and maybe Felipe is letting his feelings sway him, but he _wants_ to talk to Rob, wants to be open with him, wants to be honest.

Up to a certain point, anyway.

“I think so, maybe,” he says carefully, trying not to show any sign that his heart is beating a little faster than it should. “Maybe when I go home I have to do some things I do not want to do,” he says, feeling apprehension start to settle in his stomach like so much lead. 

“Why don’t you want to do them?” asks Rob evenly. Not ‘Well, that’s life,’ or even ‘What don’t you want to do?’, but _why_ , and Felipe feels touched once again by Rob’s insightfulness. 

He smiles wanly. “I know if I do these things people will be hurt,” he says, and that leaden feeling inside him only gets heavier. 

Rob nods, pauses. “And what’ll happen if you don’t do them?” he asks, his tone still conversational, calm, as if Felipe really doesn’t need to worry, everything will be fine. Felipe wonders if it comes from experience, or if Rob just doesn’t want him to freak out at the wheel.

“I don’t know,” Felipe says, but it’s not true, not entirely anyway. 

“Will you be happy?” Rob asks. He’s not looking at Felipe, and Felipe is glad, because he feels like Rob would be able to see right inside him and read every thought in his head at this moment.

“No,” admits Felipe, and it actually feels like a relief, to say it to someone, finally. This guy who he’s known for a week, who knows next to nothing about him, who he might never see again after this time together - he’s in a completely neutral position, and he seems to Felipe like the best person in the world to open himself up to.

“And the people you don’t want to get hurt, do you think they’d be happy, if they knew you were unhappy?” Rob persists. 

Felipe hadn't thought about that before. He thinks about all the people he could be letting down in his life - his mum, dad, Raffa - people who've already been so patient and understanding, and he just feels a burden of guilt. "I think maybe not," he says slowly. "But still I feel very very selfish, you know? If I stay the same as always, everything will just be better for everybody."

"Maybe," says Rob. "But y'know, people want things to be true. They'd rather deal with the truth even if it's difficult, than have someone lie to them to keep them happy. And besides, don't undervalue your own happiness! You matter as well y'know."

Felipe doesn't know how to respond. He's no martyr, but he always wants everyone to be as happy as possible. He breathes out a long breath. “I think that maybe if I just carry on, it will be OK. But now I think…” he hesitates, not wanting to hear the words come out of his own mouth. “Maybe is too late,” he says eventually. His eyes are fixed on the road, his hands tight on the steering wheel. 

Rob is quiet for just a moment, before he says, “It’s OK to change your mind, y’know. Things don’t stay the same forever. Imagine if life was this fucking road, going on and on and always looking the same. You’d be bored out of your fucking mind by the time you got to 40.”

Felipe has to laugh at that, struck that Rob is echoing his thoughts from yesterday. It pleases him to think they think the same, but more than that, it reassures him. The things Rob says are making sense to him, and Felipe, in this state of mind, is ready to lap them right up.


	12. Carlsbad

Looking at the map, Rob ascertains that they’re not far from Carlsbad Caverns, and expresses his desire to continue being a “proper tourist” and visit. It’s not somewhere Felipe has heard of, but he has no objection to doing tourist things.

“It’s one of those things Americans always talk about,” Rob explains. “They might judge us if we say we were so close and didn’t go.”

“Americans always think they know the best," Felipe agrees.

“God, yeah,” Rob says, chuckling. “Listen to us, typical foreigners, bonding over bitching and moaning about Americans.”

Felipe giggles. Any time Rob says anything about them being friends, or Felipe being good company, or compliments him in any way, Felipe feels all giddy and stupid for a second, before he gets a grip and scolds himself. But it’s only getting worse, because in the course of their conversation, Rob keeps saying things that make him seem like even more of a great, stand-up guy, and it just makes Felipe like him even more. Rob is an educator, he works with struggling young people, giving them the opportunity to fulfill their potential. 

“I mean, they can be pretty challenging,” Rob explains. “Some of them are proper bad lads. But if you work with them and try and get on their wavelength, they can really make progress. It can be very rewarding. You really feel like you’re helping, making a difference.” He pauses briefly. “With some of them, anyway. But then, you always remember the ones you couldn’t get through to,” he adds ruefully.

“Is what you were like at school?” Felipe teases. “A bad lad?”

Rob laughs. “No, not really,” he says. “I did all my work and behaved myself. Mostly. If you’re brainy you can get away with a bit more,” he says with a grin. 

“Now I understand,” Felipe laughs. “I was not intelligent and I was always in trouble. Maybe if I had a teacher like you, is better.” He doesn’t even really care if his words might sound flirty now - after all, Rob won’t be expecting it, so he probably won’t even notice. And if he does, he’ll probably just put it down to Felipe’s dubious mastery of English. 

But Rob just shakes his head. “You keep saying stuff like that, but you’re not daft. It’s like with these kids I work with, you just need a bit of confidence. You don’t need to be so down on yourself.”

Felipe has to push down that giddy feeling once again. He doesn’t feel especially lacking in confidence, he’s just being honest about himself, but it’s still very nice to hear Rob say encouraging things. “Is true though,” he says, chuckling. “I did not do so well in school, you know? So now… is not so many jobs I can do.”

“Believe me mate, even if you did do well in school, there’s not that many jobs out there,” Rob says with a wry laugh. “If you can find something you enjoy, you’re doing alright. What did you do in your last job?”

“I was a delivery driver,” Felipe sighs, feeling embarrassed. 

“So you jacked that in to drive across America?” Rob chuckles. “You really must love driving.” 

Felipe manages a laugh too. “Yes, I do,” he says. “So I guess a driving job is good, but... “ He sighs again. “Is good to do something more _useful_ , you know? Like you.”

Rob nods. “Mate, I don’t want to sound like too much of a teacher here, and you can tell me to piss off if you want, but when I was your age I felt exactly the same. I went to uni, but I still didn’t feel like I knew what I was doing. I don’t know if it’s the same in Brazil, but you need experience to get a job, and you need a job to get experience. So you still feel like you’ve got no skills, even if you’ve got an education.” He pauses, frowning. “Sorry, this all isn’t very encouraging, is it? I’ve basically just said, we’re all fucked, whatever we do.”

Felipe laughs. “But you obviously are not, now!” he points out. He really doesn’t mind hearing Rob talk, even like this - it makes him feel like he’s not alone, at least. 

“I guess not,” Rob says. “But if you ask me how I got here, I'm afraid I couldn't tell you. I'm sorry, I haven't got all the answers after all." He sounds genuinely apologetic, as if he expects Felipe to be disappointed, when Felipe got more than he asked for in the first place.

"No, is fine. Is good," Felipe says truthfully. "And is not like you are my teacher, and I am not paying you! Is OK to not tell me everything. Is good that you say it will be OK, you know?" 

Rob smiles. "Well, good," he says, with relief. "But yeah, even if I could tell you the meaning of life, it might be different for you anyway. But you'll get there. You just do what you've got to do. If travelling helps you figure stuff out - keep going."

Felipe nods slowly. He doesn't know how much being here has helped him, especially since he's been feeling like this about Rob - but it takes until the end of the journey to see how far you've come.

When they get to Carlsbad, it's too late again to go to the caverns, so as usual, they look for a motel first. The prices are higher than they have been elsewhere, presumably because it's such a tourist attraction, but that just means it makes even more sense to share a room. 

They go out to a Mexican restaurant and then for a few drinks, and it’s nice, just so _nice_ , to chat and relax and have a laugh together that Felipe can almost forget why it’s a problem that he’s enjoying himself so much. 

“I’m amazed we’re not sick of the sight of each other yet,” Rob chuckles. “We spend all day in the car together, then we still want to come and have a drink afterwards. Must be doing something right eh? Or you’re the most polite man in the world.”

“For sure I am not!” Felipe laughs. “But is easy to be with you,” he says, hoping again that his English excuses the directness of his words.

“Tell that to my ex-wife,” Rob says, laughing. 

Felipe bites his lip, suddenly on the verge of blurting something out. Rob hasn’t talked much about his marriage, and Felipe wonders if it’s still uncomfortable for him to think about it. But suddenly his mind is filled with questions, because Rob has that experience, of marriage and of breaking up, and all the advice he’s shared with Felipe so far has felt like it fitted right into place in Felipe’s own life. Maybe he can share some of that experience with Felipe, too. 

But the moment passes, and before Felipe can frame the right words and get up the nerve to say them, Rob has started to talk about something else. Felipe feels the sudden rush of nerves he had subside quickly. Maybe another day it’ll feel right to broach the topic, or maybe it never will. Felipe doesn’t know which is better. 

They’re heading back to the hotel when he gets a text from his brother. He realises belatedly that he’d never explained his panicky texts the other day, and hopes Dudu hadn’t decided to fill in the gaps himself and spread all kinds of rumours amongst their friends. 

_’Hey bro, is everything OK??? Don’t worry me, man!’_

It’s a surprisingly touching message, and it makes Felipe smile. 

_’Yeah, sorry if I made you worry, I’m fine. Just being stupid but it’s OK now!’_

And actually, compared to a couple of days ago, it really kind of is.


	13. Carlsbad, redux

Carlsbad Caverns are as spectacular as described in the leaflet Rob had picked up in the motel lobby and read out to him, and Felipe feels a bit embarrassed that he’d never heard of them before. 

“I guess the Americans were right about that one, eh,” reflects Rob at the end of their visit. They’ve spent a long time underground, and it’s strange to Felipe that it’s still bright daylight outside when they emerge. He hadn’t realised just how cold he’d got, until he’s back in the late afternoon sunshine. 

“Do you wanna kick on, or stay here another night?” Rob asks. 

Felipe shrugs. They’ve done Carlsbad now, so on the one hand they might as well move on; but on the other, the caverns have taken up the whole day, so it feels a little strange to start the journey again now, when they could just take it easy this evening and have a nice, relaxed time like they did last night. 

“Whatever way is OK,” he says carefully, not wanting to express a firm opinion in case Rob disagrees. It’s not like the town of Carlsbad is particularly special or unique, but it’s comfortable. Much as Felipe enjoys driving, after a long day like this, maybe it’d be nice to just have a beer and a bed within striking distance. 

“To be honest, I wouldn’t mind staying here tonight, if that’s alright with you,” Rob says, to Felipe’s relief. 

They go back to the motel they stayed in the previous night, saying with a smile to the woman behind the reception desk that they liked it so much they decided to stay another night. That’s not really true, because there doesn’t seem to be that much by way of nightlife in Carlsbad - once the caves are closed, there’s not a lot left. They find somewhere different to eat at least, and Rob suggests they go and see a film. Sadly, the drive-in movie theatre they’d passed earlier, which had inspired Rob’s suggestion, doesn’t seem to be showing anything tonight.

“What a shame,” says Rob sadly. “A real live drive-in! That would’ve been brilliant!”

They have to settle for a normal indoor cinema, which is fine with Felipe, because while he doesn’t mind being in the car while it’s operating as a means of travelling around, it’s not somewhere he really feels the need to spend time when it’s not. 

They find a film that they think sounds kind of action-y, and it's surprisingly good - too good, in fact, because there's a moving death scene towards the end, and, to his embarrassment, Felipe feels himself welling up a bit. It'd be fine if he was at home watching it with his brother or his mates, but for all he feels like he and Rob have become friends pretty quickly, he's not sure they're at the stage where tears are acceptable. To his surprise, though, he realises Rob is sniffling a bit beside him as well.

“Fucking hell, I wasn't expecting that,” Rob says when they leave, discreetly dabbing at the corner of his eye with his index finger. “You must think I'm unstable or something.” 

Felipe laughs gently. “For sure not,” he reassures Rob. “If you think that, then I am the same! But I think it is normal.” 

Rob actually looks a little surprised, though pleasantly. “I guess it's another British thing, stiff upper lip, men not supposed to show their feelings,” he says. “If I cried at a film back home, a lot of my mates would think I was absolutely pathetic. Is it different in Brazil?”

Felipe shrugs. “If I cry watching a sad movie with my friends, is fine,” he says. “Maybe we laugh about it afterwards, but we all cry together,” he says with a chuckle.

Rob nods. “That's how it should be, really, 'cos otherwise young lads like the ones I teach grow up thinking they're not meant to have feelings and they can't talk about them, and that's how a lot of them end up going wrong,” he says, and Felipe can hear the genuine regret in his voice. 

_‘Stop it,’_ thinks Felipe, _‘Stop showing me more reasons why you're such a great guy.’_ But he doesn't really want Rob to stop, he's quite happy to keep thinking of him as this model guy, this English gentleman. 

“That's really a shame,” he says. “If I don't feel happy, I can talk to my brother, my father, my friends.” He pauses. “About most things, anyway,” he adds, because if he could bring himself to talk about some things, he's not sure he'd even be here. And the feelings that he's having now, right now, listening to Rob say these admirable good-guy things - those are feelings he doubts he can ever talk about with anyone at all. 

“I suppose I have some mates I can talk to about all sorts,” Rob says. “And yeah, my mum and dad. They helped me a lot through the divorce.”

“That was very difficult for you?” Felipe asks, feeling stupid. Of course it must've been difficult, but Felipe doesn't know how else to say what he wants to ask.

He's glad that Rob understands him well enough by now to not take his question wrongly. “Yeah, it was,” he says, with just a little laugh. “But we knew it was best for both of us ultimately. Giving each other back our freedom.”

Felipe bites his lip, still not sure what to say or if he can say it. 

“We’re still friends,” Rob offers. “Well, on Facebook at least. We’re friends in the sense that we don’t dislike each other, but I don’t really know what I’d ring her up to have a chat about.”

Felipe nods, feeling a bit useless. He doesn’t want Rob to think this information is too much or unwanted, because it isn’t, not at all. 

“You miss her?” he ventures, ignoring the unpleasant beat that his heart skips. He doesn’t feel completely comfortable with the question he’s asking, and he’s worried that it shows.

If it does, Rob doesn’t acknowledge it. He shrugs. “I did at first, definitely. When you’ve been with someone for so long, it takes a while to get used to them not being there anymore.” He pauses. “But I think ultimately I knew deep down it was for the best. We definitely weren't on the same page about some things.”

“Like kids?” Felipe offers, with a little smile.

“Like kids,” Rob agrees. “I think really she felt like she'd never had a chance to be completely free, because we got married so young. Not that I was trying to tie her down or anything, Christ, I don't mean I wanted her to stay at home in the kitchen raising half a dozen kids while I went out gallivanting.” 

Rob chuckles ruefully, and Felipe does too, because even though he's never heard that word before in his life, when Rob says it, he understands immediately.   
“But I guess after the divorce, deciding to come here, I ended up taking advantage of my ‘freedom’ as well,” Rob says, making air quotes. “I dunno if any of this even makes sense. But I just felt like I needed to get away for a bit. To somewhere where no one knew me.”

“I understand completely what you mean,” murmurs Felipe.

Rob gives another little laugh. “Sorry, you probably weren't expecting my life story,” he says apologetically.

“No, no, I like to hear it,” Felipe hurries to clarify. “And anyway, is like you say, is good for men to talk about things like this,” he adds, with a smile. 

Rob colours a little. Felipe finds it much more endearing than he should. “I'm glad you've been listening,” he murmurs. 

Felipe laughs. “Actually that is something I am not always so good at,” he admits. “My parents, my teachers, my girlfriend, they are always saying I never listen. So if I listen and remember what you are saying, it is very special!” 

Rob laughs. “I'll bear that in mind next time I'm trying to give you directions in the car,” he says. “If we end up in Mexico I'll know this was just a fluke.”

That night, Felipe has trouble getting to sleep. He keeps going over what Rob was telling him earlier. Freedom. Getting away. That resonated with him deeply, and he wishes now that they could've talked about it more. He wonders if it'll come up again, because he doesn't really feel like he can be the one to bring it up again - _‘So, hey, Rob, remember what you were telling me about your failed marriage? Feel like reliving that in a bit more detail?’_

But still. It was only yesterday that he was wondering if it would ever be something they’d talk about, but the topic came around again pretty quickly. He guesses maybe it’s something that’s still pretty close to the surface for Rob after all, and Felipe is glad he felt comfortable talking about it with him - it warms him that Rob trusts him that much, feels they're close enough that he can open up about his life. He finds himself both hoping and dreading that he might get the chance to do the same.


	14. US Route 285

“You look a bit tired, mate,” says Rob as they get coffee and tea the next morning. “You alright?”

Felipe smiles self-consciously. “I did not sleep so well,” he explains. “But I feel OK!”

“I can drive for a bit if you like,” Rob offers, like he did in Las Vegas, and Felipe thinks that, this time, he’ll take him up on it.

“If you want to, OK,” he agrees, and Rob grins like he’s pretty pleased with this opportunity. 

“So, we still heading for Texas?” Rob asks, peering over at the map on Felipe’s lap. 

“Yes, if is OK with you,” says Felipe. “We are very close already.”

Rob nods. “What city do you fancy? Dallas? Austin? Houston?”

Felipe shrugs. “I heard from somebody that Houston is not so interesting. But I don’t know a lot about many places!” he admits, laughing. 

Rob snorts. “I’d take the piss, but to be honest, neither do I,” he admits. He studies the map for another minute before he says, “How about Austin then, that’s a pretty direct route - and if we carry on through it, look where we’ll get to eventually.” 

Felipe’s eyes follow Rob’s finger as he traces the road, travelling about as far from Austin to the east as they are now to the west: New Orleans.

Felipe grins. “That will be fun,” he says. “Let’s go!”

“And now we get to see how good you are at reading the map,” Rob says with a grin. “I’ve set a pretty high standard, I know.”

Felipe laughs. “Is nearly a straight road, if you need the map, I think maybe your driving is not a very high standard,” he points out. 

“You’re about to see about that as well,” Rob says, still grinning, and Felipe crosses himself jokingly as Rob starts the car.

There’s a couple of eyebrow-raising moments as Rob gets used to the automatic transmission, but Felipe certainly feels a lot calmer than he did when he let Paul drive. Calm enough that, when they get onto the highway, he finds himself drifting into sleep. It’s not a deep sleep, and somewhere in the periphery of his mind he’s still aware of the sound of the car engine, of the songs on the radio when Rob turns it on, but it’s all mixed up with the weird brightly-lit dreams of shallow daytime sleep. When he comes round again, he’s suddenly worried that maybe, in the vivid, seamless space between dreaming and wakefulness, he mumbled some stupid sleep-words that made sense in his dream but not outside it. Even aside from embarrassing himself, he’s worried what sort of not-deeply enough buried sentiment might have slipped out. That really would be like something out of a soap opera, Felipe thinks to himself with little humour - giving his hidden feelings away by talking in his sleep. It’s not something he’s been worried about before, even through so many nights of sharing motel rooms, but at night Rob’s been further away, and asleep as well. Napping in the car feels a lot more… exposed. 

Fortunately Rob gives no indication that Felipe has said anything unsettling, or even embarrassing. Felipe tries to relax. He's going to make himself paranoid, thinking up all these far-fetched scenarios that could potentially catch him out. 

It’s not long before Rob glances over. “You want to take over driving again?” he asks. “You missing it yet?” 

Felipe smiles, stretching his arms out in front of him. “No, this is fine,” he says. “Is a nice change.”

“Well, good,” says Rob. “It is nice to be chauffeured, I have to say.”

“Thank you,” Felipe says sweetly. “But if you want to stop, you can say.” It is pleasant, though, Felipe has to agree, being able to look out of the windows and switch off his brain, not have to concentrate on watching the road. There's not that much else to look at, just the wide open space of Texas, and Felipe tries to calm his mind, to let it be as open and blank as the landscape outside, to invite in whatever thoughts might pass his way. He came here because he needed space, and that's something there's no shortage of here, but, while it's soothing for the moment, he's had no Eureka moment, no instant enlightenment - he supposes that's not really what he expected, but he thought with some space and quiet and distance he should be able to work his way through things with some clarity. But he's still not sure how far he's got, how much progress he's made, and he's running out of time.

All the things he's done, with Rob, have been enjoyable, and things he probably would have done even if he'd been alone, but they feel kind of like distractions, things he's used to avoid having to deal with what he really needs to deal with. Maybe Rob is just another distraction, a new made up problem that Felipe's brain has thrown in the way of him solving the ones he already had. Rob doesn't feel made up, but Felipe guiltily has to acknowledge that he does feel like a better, nicer problem to have than the ones he had back home. 

In fact, the more Felipe thinks about it, actually, Rob has helped him a lot with so many things. When Rob says Felipe is smarter than he thinks, Felipe believes him - Rob’s a teacher, he can pick up on these things in people, right? When he’s with Rob, it’s easy to feel like he’s got more brains than people give him credit for - Rob takes him seriously, he talks to him properly, man to man, person to person. He only laughs at him when he makes a joke, and he knows when Felipe _is_ joking, doesn’t assume he’s only funny unintentionally. Felipe appreciates that, all of it, more than anything. He’s trying hard, and Rob, unlike a lot of people, rewards his effort. It’s not really any wonder Felipe feels the way he does about him - Rob couldn’t’ve done more to win him over, or done it more perfectly, if he’d been trying. 

Rob might not have given him all the answers, but he’s given Felipe lots to think about, and that’s what he wanted when he came here. He realises he actually does feel a lot more hopeful than he did before he left home. He feels like there are options for him, ideas, things he could do - maybe he can even go to college or something, learn some new skills, get some qualifications. Maybe he can find a teacher like Rob, who’ll support him and help him get the best out of himself. Rob says things will work out, and, somehow, that message must’ve had time to percolate and seep into his brain, because now Felipe has faith that it will. 

Everything is still very vague in his mind, but a lot of the things he was worried about don't seem like such a big deal now - so in that sense his trip has been a success after all, and maybe Rob’s been the ultimate problem solver. Either that, Felipe thinks wryly, or he's become such a big problem himself that the others just look easy by comparison. 

But the solution to this new, big, Rob-shaped problem is very simple: he can just go home. It won't be an issue any more then. But that, thinks Felipe, is the hard part, and meeting Rob might have made it even harder. The thought of going home still fills him with the same cold, anxious feeling that made him decide he had to get away in the first place. Some things might look easier with some insight from Rob and his experience, but he can't help Felipe with everything. And even if he can, it's still Felipe who's got to do it in the end.

Felipe feels like he’s going round in circles. He decides he’s had quite enough of thinking for now.

“Is OK if I drive again now?” he asks.

Rob laughs. “That didn't take long. Am I scaring you?”

Felipe giggles. “No, is fine,” he says, though he hasn’t really been paying attention at all. Rob could’ve run half a dozen red lights and he probably wouldn’t’ve noticed. “I just…” He shrugs, unable to explain himself properly or succinctly. “Want to drive,” he finishes lamely. 

“No problem,” Rob says easily. “We can stop at the next town, maybe get something to eat, then you can take over.”

According to the next sign they see, the next town is Fort Stockton. Rob lets out a laugh. 

“There's a place called Stockton near where I’m from,” he explains. “It’s not quite like this though,” he goes on, chuckling as they drive along the wide, empty main street, edged with pale, dry Texas scrub. There’s really not much at all to the town, but there’s a Subway, so they manage to at least get lunch.

“You can take a photo,” encourages Felipe. “With the sign.”

Rob laughs. “I’m not that bothered, mate, not like you with your Route 66.”

Felipe finds it much easier to change Rob’s mind when they come across a statue of a giant bird, welcoming visitors to town. 

“Now you have to take a photo!” urges Felipe, in fits of giggles.

“What the hell do you think it is?” Rob wonders as they approach it. “Roadrunner?”

“I dunno,” says Felipe. “But is funny to see!”

“I guess everywhere’s got to have an attraction,” Rob says dryly, sitting down reluctantly on the wall in front of the bird. “You go to New York, you see the Statue of Liberty. You come to Fort Stockton, you see the giant bird.”

“For sure the bird is much better,” says Felipe, grinning as he takes Rob’s photo. “Is good that we came, or we would never see it.”

“Yeah, definitely worth stopping for,” Rob says, deadpan. “There’s not one of these in Stockton back home.”

“If they build one, for sure there will be more tourists,” says Felipe as they head back to the car. 

Rob chuckles. “I’ll write a letter to the council and suggest it. I think it’d have to be a giant pigeon, back home.”

“Send the photo to them,” Felipe grins. He gets back into the driver’s seat, and as soon as he starts the engine and puts his foot on the accelerator, his head feels so much clearer than it did from the passenger seat, and he drives with a smile still on his face.


	15. Austin

It’s still a long way to go to Austin. A short while down the road, they encounter another town sign that makes Rob chuckle, and they stop again for another photo. 

“I’ve got some family in a place in England called Sheffield,” he explains, standing beside the sign bearing the same name, and Felipe obligingly takes the picture.

Sheffield, TX, makes Fort Stockton look like an urban sprawl, so they don’t linger - the place is so small that Felipe doesn’t think they could if they tried. There’s not even the excitement of any surprise oversize wildlife statues, so they head straight back onto the interstate.

“So, what is in Austin?” he asks Rob as he drives.

“All I’ve heard about it is that it’s a good place for live music,” says Rob. “So maybe we can go out, see if we can catch something good.”

“What music?” Felipe says. “You think maybe it will be country?” he wonders, grinning.

Rob sniggers. “Better bloody not be,” he says. “I didn’t come all this way to do some fucking line dancing.”

“I would like to see that!” giggles Felipe. “Will not be worse than Las Vegas,” he teases. 

“I’m sure we can manage something better than that,” Rob agrees. 

Felipe is used to the wide open spaces around him as he drives by now, but he thinks this is the longest section of such deserted country that they’ve travelled through so far. The settlements they come across are few and far between, and none are very populous. Everywhere seems dusty and brittle, bleached and washed out by the sun. There’s nowhere to hide from it. Maybe it’s the glare reflecting back at him from the road and the baked earth around it, maybe it’s the heat, maybe he overworked his brain by thinking too hard earlier, but Felipe finds he’s developing a headache. They stop for petrol and he swallows down a whole bottle of water at the rest stop, but as he keeps driving, he finds it intensifying. He wonders whether to ask Rob to drive again for a while, but when he looks over to the passenger seat, he sees he’s fallen asleep. Felipe would feel unkind waking him - and anyway, if he’s tired, he probably shouldn’t be driving anyway. 

The last stretch to Austin feels like the toughest part of the journey yet. Even though it’s late afternoon and the sun is low behind them, the air is still hot and stifling inside the car. The aircon seems to have finally given up altogether, and if Felipe opens the window, he gets a lungful of warm dust that makes him cough, which makes his headache worse. He presses his fingers to his forehead, above his eyebrow, feeling some relief from the throbbing in his skull, but it’s not sustainable. Felipe has never been more grateful to see a city than he is to see Austin. 

He’s also very grateful that Rob, mainly awake again by the time they drive into town, is happy enough when Felipe suggests they stop at the first half-decent motel they see. He doesn’t really know whereabouts they are, or how close they are to anywhere they might want to visit, but now they’ve reached the city he just can’t bear to be in the car any longer, especially if there’s the risk of encountering traffic and unfamiliar road systems. He braces himself before he gets out of the car for the pressure in his head that he knows he’ll feel when he stands up, and he winces when he does. He narrows his eyes against the lights of the motel lobby, his vision blurring at the edges, and by the time they reach the room he feels like he might throw up. 

“You have some painkillers?” he asks Rob, feeling pathetic. He hopes Rob still has some of the paracetamol left that he had in Las Vegas. 

“Yeah, just a sec,” Rob says, rummaging in his bag. “You alright mate?”

“I have a headache,” Felipe says simply. Even speaking hurts. 

“Aw, that’s shit,” says Rob sympathetically. “Is it bad?”

“Yeah,” Felipe admits apologetically. He hates to be a downer but he really does feel like crap, and he doesn’t feel able to even pretend to soldier on.

“You’ve done well to drive all the way here,” Rob says as he gives him the tablets. “I’m sorry for just sleeping all afternoon, like a dickhead.”

That makes Felipe smile, at least. “No, no, is fine,” he reassures him. “Was not so bad, most of the time.” 

“Still,” Rob says. “Thanks.” He even gets Felipe a glass of water from the bathroom, which is very kind but makes Felipe feel even more pitiful. He doesn’t want to seem incapable in front of Rob, even though he kind of feels that way right now. 

“I guess going to watch some live music is the last thing you want at the moment,” Rob says with a rueful smile. 

“Sorry,” Felipe says, swallowing the pills. He feels horribly guilty for ruining their plans for the evening, even though it’s not his fault - he just doesn’t want Rob to resent him, or think he’s being a drama queen.

“Don’t be daft,” says Rob kindly. “You take it easy. I’ll leave you in peace if you like? Let you get some rest.”

Felipe nods gratefully. “Thank you,” he says in a small voice, lying down on one of the beds. He definitely doesn’t want to hold Rob back - he’s happy for him to go out without him, to see some of the city and have a good time, even if he’d much rather be going as well. 

The tablets help a little, but the ache is still there, and Felipe is relieved to be lying down in a darkened room, rather than in a bar or venue somewhere trying to pretend he’s enjoying himself. He wonders where Rob got to, what he’s doing, whether he found anything good going on. Maybe he’s got himself into the hottest event in town, meeting the coolest people - Felipe is sure that good-looking, blue-eyed, dry-witted Englishmen are welcome anywhere they go in Texas, charming and exotic enough to get onto any guest list. 

Maybe Rob will stay out late, Felipe thinks, suddenly not quite so happy to be lying in a motel room alone before it’s even 8pm. Maybe he’ll be having too much fun, drinking with the local set, relaxing and letting his hair down after being cooped up in the car for so much time recently. Las Vegas seems a long time ago, and Felipe is sure Rob must be ready for another adventure like it. 

Maybe Rob won’t come back at all, at least until morning. That thought does nothing to help Felipe’s headache. Rob said he wasn’t looking for anyone, even casually, but _’If it happens, it happens…’_ It didn’t happen in Las Vegas, it didn’t happen in Flagstaff, but what if it happens in Austin? It’s not that Felipe thinks he’s been cramping Rob’s style, but if he’s by himself he’s more likely to get chatting to people, hit it off with a girl, decide to make the most of it while he can, without having to make any awkward explanations to Felipe… Without having to worry about feeling like he’s ditching his mate in an unfamiliar city, Rob could be enjoying some of that famous freedom they’ve been talking about. 

Felipe hates how unpleasant it makes him feel to think about that. He blames the headache, making his head feel fragile on the inside, as well as on the outside. He knows it’s none of his business what Rob does, but that just makes him feel more helpless. Hiding his feelings is never something Felipe has been much good at, but it’s never been more important that he just pretend that everything is normal. 

Well, maybe it’s been quite important in recent months. But that’s one of the reasons he ended up here, so he wouldn’t have to hide anything, and mess everything up badly while he’s trying to sort it all out. Because he doesn’t want his impetuous feelings to get the better of him, and end up ruining a situation in the heat of the moment. 

At least right now he can blame any strange behaviour on feeling under the weather. He doesn’t want to think about it any more, so he closes his eyes firmly and tries to focus on relaxing every muscle, determinedly working on easing the tension out and away from his skull. 

It must work, because the next thing Felipe knows, he’s being woken by the motel room door opening. It’s dark, but it already was when he went to sleep, and he fumbles for his phone to see the time, surprised when it’s not even 10pm. 

“It’s only me,” Rob murmurs. 

“Is early,” Felipe mumbles, only half-awake. He has a moment of panic just like he did in the car earlier, worried that in his disoriented state he’s said something stupid and Rob has overheard, but as his brain emerges from the fog of sleep, he reminds himself that Rob has only been here a few moments, so he’s alright. 

“Well, I thought I’d better check on you,” Rob says, his voice still quiet. “You read about things happening, headaches turning out to be something much worse… especially after a head injury and all.”

Felipe is so touched by Rob's concern that he doesn’t know what to say. “Thank you,” he says sincerely. Rob still hasn’t turned on the light, so Felipe reaches over and switches on the lamp beside his bed, to both reassure Rob he’s not ill enough to be bothered by light, and to let him know he doesn’t have to fumble around in the dark out of politeness. 

“How are you feeling?” Rob asks.

“Not so bad as before,” Felipe says, sitting up and trying to smile reassuringly. His head still hurts a little, but it’s dulled significantly. “Where did you go?” 

“I didn't go far, just had a wander around _downtown_ , that’s what they call it in America, isn’t it,” Rob says. “Went for a drink in a bar that had a live band on.”

“It was good?” Felipe asks.

“Yeah, they were alright,” Rob says. “Even got some half-decent beers on. I suppose craft beer is trendy with the hipsters round here,” he adds with a grin.

“You will go out again now?” asks Felipe, trying to sound casual, like he’s fine with this completely normal suggestion. He definitely doesn’t want Rob to feel like he has to stay now he's made sure Felipe is OK, even though of course he'd be delighted if he did. Even if Felipe isn’t feeling up to much animated chat or activity, he’d still be happy to just chill here with Rob for company, watching TV and talking or not talking or whatever. 

“Nah, I dunno if I can be bothered,” Rob says. “Don’t get me wrong, Austin seems alright. But hanging out in a bar by yourself, you just feel like a bit of a nobhead,” he explains, laughing. “Besides, I didn’t like the thought of being out there having fun, with you back here suffering. Just seemed like a bit of a twatty thing to do.”

Again, Felipe doesn’t know how to respond. He wants to reassure Rob that it’s fine, he doesn’t think that at all, but a part of him also selfishly doesn’t really mind Rob thinking that, if that’s what made him came back. Even though it's not true, it shows again what sort of a guy Rob is, that he'd be concerned and thinking about Felipe even when he’s out trying to have fun - and also that he’d worry he might seem like he didn't care. Felipe feels guilty, not to mention foolish, for his earlier conjecture of what Rob might be getting up to, and he's kind of ashamed of how much resentment he felt about something that only existed in his own imagination. He’s relieved that his worries were unfounded, even if he knows he had no right to be worried in the first place. But he’ll take what he can get. 

“No, no, is not, I don’t mind,” he says, and that part is true anyway. “And I am OK! But,” he goes on, doing his best to banish those stupid, embarrassing thoughts and feelings from his mind, “I think probably is not fun without me there anyway,” he finishes with a grin.

Rob laughs. “That must be it,” he says. “I’ve got so used to having you around, it feels like something’s missing when you’re not there. What do they call it, Stockholm Syndrome?” 

Felipe laughs, genuinely, even as he raises his eyebrows at Rob’s cheek. 

“I thought you might want to eat as well,” Rob goes on, and Felipe realises there’s a bag on the table across the room. “I know it really should be barbecue, seeing as we’re in Texas, but that’s a bit difficult to transport. But there was a nice-looking noodle place, so I got noodles, if that’s alright for you. And if it’s not, well, more for me.”

Felipe can’t stop himself smiling, the last of his headache melting away completely. Rob is being so kind, and Felipe doesn’t feel like he deserves this kindness, not with all his guilty thoughts and feelings that he wishes he could unthink and unfeel, but he’s just so glad Rob is here right now, and all he can be is grateful.


	16. Interstate 10

Even though he slept in the car and for a couple of hours in the evening, Felipe finds he sleeps much better than he did the previous night. The headache drained him, but by morning he feels refreshed and ready to go again.

“Do you want to have a look round Austin?” Rob asks. “Seeing as you didn’t see any of it yesterday.”

Felipe shrugs. “I don’t mind,” he says. “You think there is something interesting to see?”

“I got the impression it was more of a nighttime town,” says Rob. “But places always seem completely different during the day, don't they.”

They peruse the customary stand full of local interest leaflets in the motel lobby - there’s museums, art galleries, wildlife parks, historic buildings - and the weather is good, so they decide they might as well at least have a walk around the city before they leave. After all, New Orleans is another seven hours away, so by the time they arrive, they won’t be able to see much there. They can spend a little time here, maybe stop in Houston on the way for lunch, and arrive in New Orleans for dinner, just like they did here. 

“Hopefully with no maladies this time,” Rob says. “You've not got that long left here, you don't want to be wasting time feeling unwell.”

Felipe feels a sharp pang of real sadness at the reminder that his time here is drawing rapidly to a close. He feels like he's been here no time at all, and he's definitely not ready to leave it behind. The thought of going back home, to normality, casts a cold shadow inside him, and he feels guilty for it. He tries to push the thought away - after all, he still has the better part of a week here, he should focus on enjoying it. He still has time to ready himself.

They potter around the city, but bearing time constraints in mind, in the end they opt not to go inside any of the museums after all. Felipe doesn't say so out loud, but if he was by himself he probably wouldn't even have considered it. It's not really that he hates museums - his parents made sure to take him and his siblings to interesting and educational places when he was a kid, but it wouldn't be his first choice of outing now. But he doesn't want to - what was the phrase Rob used back in Monument Valley? - parade his ignorance in front of Rob. If Rob had wanted to visit a museum, Felipe would've easily gone along with him, though Felipe realises, with a wry smile to himself, that the same probably applies to a lot of things right now. Rob could buy tickets to see the opera, or a play in Ancient Greek, and Felipe would still say _‘Sure, sounds good!’_

His time here - with Rob - is limited. He needs to make the most of it. And even though the United States will always be here if he wants to come back, Rob will not.

They set off again a little before midday. Felipe expects more of the same from the road and landscape, so he makes sure to keep drinking water as he drives today.

“Thank you for taking care of me yesterday,” he says. He wants to make sure Rob knows how grateful he is. “I really appreciate.”

When he glances over, he can see Rob start to blush, and he has to hide his smile. It's endearing, somehow.

“Well, I know it’s pretty crap to be feeling miserable when you're so far from home and your own bed,” Rob says. “I thought the least I could do was try and offer a bit of mothering,” he adds, and he's smiling too.

Felipe giggles. “You will be a good parent,” he says lightly. Felipe is sure it's true, though it's a bit strange to think of it here and now, in a beat up old car in the middle of nowhere far from home, trying to postpone life and responsibility for just a bit longer. 

Rob chuckles. “Well, we'll see. But anyway,” he says, “If it happens again, and you don't feel like driving, just let me know, OK? Wake me up if I'm being a lazy bastard.”

Felipe laughs. “Don’t worry, I don’t get many headaches,” he clarifies. It’s true, but he can see why Rob might be worried. “And the doctors check me many times after my accident, everything is fine,” he says.

“Sorry,” says Rob, pulling a face. “You’ve told me literally three days ago that you don’t need people making a fuss over you, and I’ve already started doing it.”

Felipe laughs gently. “No, no, is very nice that you care,” he says sincerely. “You made me feel a lot better. But,” he goes on, because he can’t resist, “I understand completely why you are worried, I mean, if I suddenly…” He mimes falling unconscious at the wheel, but he swiftly returns his attention to the road so as not to give Rob a heart attack. “Is not good for you, huh,” he says, grinning.

Rob raises his eyebrows. “That’s quite dark,” he observes dryly.

Felipe cackles. “Is easy for me to joke about it, because I don’t remember anything,” he says. “It works well for me, I win so many poker games, I get so many free meals, free drinks…” he adds, smiling impishly. 

Rob laughs. “You sneaky bastard,” he says. “But I suppose if you can’t milk a serious accident, what’s the point in having one,” he goes on dryly. 

“Exactly!” Felipe giggles. “Anyway, is fine for me to talk about it and even laugh about it, because I am still here, I am still alive. And so everybody should be happy about that!” he finishes, grinning. 

Rob chuckles. He's quiet for a moment, but then, in a much more serious tone, he asks, “Did it change your outlook on life, sort of thing? I mean, you were very young, you still are very young, a big accident like that’s the sort of thing that could really have a serious effect on you, mentally.” 

Felipe shrugs. It’s something he’s been asked a lot before, by medical people as well as friends and family and even casual acquaintances. Of course people are curious, and Felipe knows it’s - mostly - because they care, and want to make sure he’s OK. And as always, he answers truthfully, “Well, I don’t feel afraid, or worry about doing things in my life, because I don’t remember. I was not afraid then so I am not afraid now,” he says, smiling. “The only thing that is different is I appreciate my life more now. I know I am very lucky to be here and I want to do everything I can and enjoy my life.”

Rob nods. “You’re very strong,” he says. “Very strong.”

Felipe is glad he isn’t the type to blush, because hearing Rob say such kind things, such admiring things, is just too much. “I don’t know,” he says self-effacingly. “I think probably I am just lucky. I have a lot of support. Everybody help me a lot, they were very kind.” He feels another wave of too-familiar guilt as he remembers the help and kindness and understanding he received from everyone around him during his recovery, and now here he is, making the most of his life, far away from the people who stuck by him through those difficult times. 

Maybe the accident did change things, he wonders suddenly. Maybe that’s what started it all. Maybe that’s what made him feel the need to do more and see more and feel more, while he can. Maybe if he hadn’t had the accident, he’d’ve stayed happy where he was. Never have doubted anything in his life as it was, never felt like there was something more he needed to achieve, other things he needed to experience, because anything can happen at any time, and it’s only when your life, and your ability to enjoy it, is under threat, that you realise the things you really want and need. Or maybe it’s all a coincidence, and the feelings that led him to come here would've crept up on him anyway. He doesn’t remember enough to say for sure. So much from that time is mixed up in his brain, or missing entirely - things he’s been told he said and did, but he has no memory of. It’s for the best, no doubt, because if he remembered, maybe it’d be like Rob said, the scars would be deeper, rawer, boxing him in, not encouraging him to go out, into the world where he can explore and adventure and meet people like Rob. 

If Felipe had lost his sight, even partially, like the doctors thought he might after the accident, he’d never have been able to do what he’s doing right now. He’d never have had this freedom ever again. And that shakes him oddly inside, to imagine a universe, so closely parallel to this one, where this path would be closed off to him completely, a reality that would not, could not, even exist, and he suddenly feels like this trip is even more special for it.


	17. New Orleans

As per their plan, they make a stop for lunch in Houston. Felipe is initially a little reluctant to leave the interstate and drive round another city, but he has to admit, it’s much nicer to take the opportunity to have a real meal, instead of going to another Subway or knockoff McDonalds. Happily, without too much effort, they find themselves a decent barbecue place, and Felipe can’t deny he’s pleased he was able to enjoy the proper Texas experience before they leave the state. 

 

“The food is a very important part of travel,” he says seriously.

 

“Yes,” Rob agrees, finishing his beer with a grin. “And the drink too.”

 

Felipe rolls his eyes. “Now if you need to drive, you cannot,” he points out, with mock sternness. 

 

“Sorry,” says Rob, though he doesn’t look that sorry at all. “If you need to stop, we can just, y'know, stop for a bit. But don't suffer in silence.”

 

Felipe smiles. “I’ll be OK,” he promises. He’s sure he will be, but he hopes Rob does stay awake this afternoon, because he’s tired of thinking. He just wants to talk shit and have a laugh.

 

Fortunately Rob does stay awake, and fortunately he’s not determined to take the conversation anywhere serious this afternoon. They talk about New Orleans and what they might find there, and Felipe tells Rob about Carnaval.

 

“One day you can come to Carnaval in São Paulo,” he says. “I think you will enjoy.”

 

“Too fucking right I will, sounds incredible,” says Rob, with feeling. “I hope you realise that I am one hundred percent going to take you up on these offers you keep making, and I’m going to come and knock on your door and make you drive me round Brazil as well.”

 

Felipe laughs. “For sure I am serious,” he says. “You will be very welcome.” 

 

“And if you ever take leave of your senses and decide you want to leave your tropical climate for a bit of wind and rain and grey skies, you know you’ll also be more than welcome in north-east England,” Rob says dryly.

 

Felipe just laughs. Right now it sounds pretty appealing, for a number of reasons, but Rob certainly doesn’t need to know about the biggest one. 

 

The landscape is changing as they approach Louisiana, patches of water and greener stretches alongside the road. It’s a welcome change, although it’s still hot, but more humid now, leaving behind the dry, desert feeling of the west. Even just seeing glimpses of green and blue feels fresh, rejuvenating, after the long, dusty slog through Texas. Rob wonders out loud whether they’re in the real American south yet, and they discuss their foreigners’ confusion at how the places they’ve been through so far - Texas, New Mexico, Arizona - don’t count as ‘the south’, despite them forming the United States’ southern border. 

 

“I suppose it’s just like at home, when we say south, what we really mean is south east,” says Rob with a grin. “But where the north is… that depends who you ask.”

 

Felipe doesn’t really understand at all, but Rob is happy to go into great and surprisingly impassioned detail about dynamics between the north and south of England, after which Felipe still isn’t sure he fully understands, but he definitely knows Rob feels strongly about it. 

 

“Sorry, you probably weren’t expecting a lecture on English society,” Rob chuckles. 

 

“Well, no,” agrees Felipe. “But is good to learn! I understand why you are a teacher,” he adds with a smile. “You are good at explaining everything. You are very…”

 

“Unhinged? Tub-thumping?” Rob offers, with a self-deprecating laugh. 

 

“Passion,” is the only way Felipe knows how to explain it. “You mean a lot what you say, you know? Is important that the teacher is interested in the things they are saying. Is not boring to listen to!” he says, with a little laugh.

 

“Well, I’m glad someone thinks so anyway,” Rob murmurs. “Maybe I would be able to teach you something after all.” 

 

To Felipe’s surprise, he notices Rob is blushing again, and it makes his stupid heart flip in his chest. He just wants to say innocently flattering things to Rob as often as he can get away with, just to see him get embarrassed, in a nice way. Maybe Rob doesn’t get enough compliments, though Felipe can’t see why he wouldn’t. Rob’s helped Felipe so much, even if he doesn’t necessarily realise it, and Felipe is starting to think he needs to repay that in some way. Rob might not need propping up and sorting out in the same way Felipe does right now, but everyone can use a boost from time to time, right? It’s nice to know you’re appreciated, and at least Felipe has managed that.

 

It's dark already by the time they arrive in New Orleans, but that seems to be the best time, and best way, to see the city, lit up and lively. They do the usual, quickly find a motel, then head straight out. The reception staff are more than usually keen to suggest places where they might want to eat or drink, but while it's nice to have some recommendations, Rob voices some scepticism when they leave.

 

“I don't like people trying to tell me where I should go and what I should like,” he grumbles. “I always feel like I've been fleeced if I go somewhere on a recommendation of someone who's being paid. Anyway, it takes half the fun out of travelling!”

 

Felipe has to admit, he has a point there. The exploring is usually the most interesting part - as long as you find something worth discovering. 

 

They stroll around the city, just taking in the atmosphere, getting a feeling of the place. It's nice to be somewhere that feels like it has some history - most of the cities they've visited so far have been new and modern and kind of familiar-feeling, but New Orleans has a very different look. He's sure a lot of it is preserved now for tourists like him and Rob, to feel some olde worlde Southern charm, but it works, and they're able to take some quite impressive photos of the lights and sights of the town. 

 

Even though it's about as far away on the calendar from Mardi Gras as it's possible to get right now, there's still a carnivalesque feeling as they inevitably find themselves on Bourbon Street. For all Rob’s protestations about wanting to make his own decisions about where to go, he’s happy enough to follow the throng of fellow tourists amongst the neon-lit bars until he and Felipe settle on one that seems about their level. Felipe can’t say he really feels in such a party mood - if he was worried about the far-fetched possibility of saying something stupid in his sleep in the car, he’s definitely concerned about the rather more real possibility of what he might say, or do, if he drinks too much. But it is nice to have a few beers and relax, experience the scene from a comfortable distance.

 

It’s also nice to be able to wake up in good time in the morning feeling fresh, because Felipe would quite like to see more of New Orleans, but he’s also becoming more aware every day of time ticking by. He’s not sure how long they can really afford to spend here, so it’s nice to be ready to make the most of it. 

 

“I think I would like to go to the bayou, if is OK with you,” he says, after they peruse their usual handful of motel lobby brochures. It’s another definite tourist trap he’s sure, but leaving without seeing it feels almost like if they’d gone to Arizona without seeing the Grand Canyon. It’s the thing to do, and the pictures in the leaflet do look very pretty.

 

“Sure,” Rob agrees. “Calling it a bayou makes it sound so much nicer than going to see a swamp,” he adds dryly. 

 

Felipe chuckles. “And the alligators will be so nice and friendly,” he says. 

 

Rob shakes his head. “That’s one definitely plus point about living in Britain,” he says. “The most dangerous animal you’re likely to come across is a pissed off swan.” When Felipe laughs, he goes on, “They can break a man’s arm with a flap of their wings y’know! But probably not rip him to shreds, admittedly,” he concedes. 

 

The best way to experience the bayou, the motel staff point out, is on a boat tour. They helpfully recommend a couple and even offer to phone up to book them onto one in advance, but again, Rob is reluctant to let someone else decide for them, so they head out to see what’s available and compare some prices. 

 

There's more choice available than Felipe expected, and starts to wonder whether they should just have let the people at the motel take care of it for them after all, but Rob seems pretty good at figuring out a good deal. 

 

“Because you are good at maths,” Felipe thinks out loud.

 

“Maybe, but maybe also ‘cos I'm a northerner. We like a bargain, supposedly,” Rob explains, with a wry grin. 

 

Felipe quite likes the sound of an airboat tour - something a bit different, fast, a bit more exciting than a bigger, more sedate type of vessel. 

 

Rob shrugs. “Fine with me. Reminds me of a TV show that was on when I was a kid, about a bear. I don’t remember anything else about it, just the airboat, and the bear. I think maybe they solved mysteries, like Scooby Doo. Or Lassie.”

 

Felipe giggles. “If we see a bear, I hope the boat is fast,” he says. 

 

“Don’t worry, on TV the bear was soft as a brush,” Rob says. “Just like the alligators. Nothing to worry about.”

 

They have to drive out a little way to the pick up point at the dock, where they embark. The boat isn’t large but there are a few other passengers, and a suitably woodsy tour guide dressed in khaki. He’s a very jolly character, with an accent Felipe can barely understand, but that doesn’t matter, because they all have to don ear defenders before the boat sets off anyway. 

 

The boat reaches some speed - definitely fast enough that Felipe isn’t worried about outpacing a bear or alligator. It’s more than Felipe could’ve hoped for, and he feels quite giddy, “Wooo!”ing and laughing like a kid. He’s having a great time, and it’s only after a little while when he glances to his side that he realises maybe Rob isn’t enjoying himself quite as much. He looks very pale, his lips pressed into a thin line, and he’s keeping a very tight grasp on the rail beside him. Felipe is seized with guilt for championing the idea of a fast-moving boat, even though Rob didn’t offer any protest at the time. He wonders what he can do to help Rob feel better, but in the end he thinks that, if it was him, he’d prefer just to be left alone so he didn’t have to worry about dealing with anything else. And he definitely doesn’t want to embarrass Rob, or draw attention to him. Maybe better to pretend he hasn’t noticed, for now. 

 

When they stop for the tour guide to explain more about the bayou, Felipe takes the chance to offer Rob an encouraging smile. Rob manages a weak smile back, looking very relieved to have some respite from the unpredictable undulation of the boat. 

 

“You are OK?” Felipe murmurs. He doesn’t want to fuss, but he also doesn’t want to seem completely unconcerned in case Rob actually wants some fuss to be made.

 

“I will be,” Rob manages, tight-lipped. 

 

Felipe silently passes him his bottle of water, and Rob takes a small, tentative sip.

 

Fortunately the next portion of the tour is more sedate, with the tour guide taking more time to point out particular features around them as they drift along. It's all very beautiful and atmospheric, even a little eerie in places when the boat is still and it’s quiet all around them. Overall Felipe is glad they came, even though he’s aware that maybe Rob doesn't really feel the same way. Then comes the gator part. Felipe suddenly isn’t too enthused about holding the baby alligator that’s being very gently passed around, but he supposes he should show willing, and he lets Rob take a photo of him looking extremely and hilariously wary of the tiny critter and its barely-there teeth. At least it makes Rob chuckle for a minute, which he definitely isn’t doing when they pick up speed again to head back to land. 

 

Rob is first off the boat when they arrive at the docks, and he sits straight down on the nearest bench, leaning back and closing his eyes. Felipe hovers for a minute, monitoring the situation, but he thinks what Rob probably really needs is a minute alone. There’s plenty of shops and eateries nearby catering for the tourists, and Felipe picks up some water, ginger ale, gum, sweets, and even a cup of tea that he takes back to Rob, who thankfully has regained a bit of colour by the time Felipe returns. 

 

“Thanks mate,” Rob says, accepting Felipe’s offerings gratefully. 

 

“You are not so good on boats?” Felipe asks carefully.

 

“Apparently not,” Rob admits. “I’ve always been fine on ferries and that! But I guess this was too much for me. What a wimp, eh?” he says, chuckling ruefully. 

 

“The same as me with the alligator,” says Felipe, grinning. “I like animals, I think it will be OK, and then…” He mimes a snapping mouth with his hand. “I was afraid it will take my finger!”

 

Rob laughs. “It did look extremely ferocious,” he deadpans. “At least there weren’t any bears.”

 

Felipe is relieved that Rob seems a bit better, but he drives them back to the motel anyway, ostensibly to get changed out of his swamp-moistened, alligatory clothes, but also in case Rob wants to have a lie down or anything. 

 

“Thanks for looking after me,” Rob says when they get there. He doesn’t lie down, but he does sit on the bed, feet up, like he’s taking great pleasure in being on a surface that’s comfortable and stable. 

 

Felipe shrugs. “Is just paying you back for the other day, when you did the same for me,” he says, smiling. 

 

Rob smiles back. “You’re gonna think I did this deliberately to get a bit of looking after as well,” he jokes.

 

“For sure not,” Felipe laughs. “I never saw anybody look so sick before. And anyway, I am happy I could help you, after you help me so much.”

 

Rob chuckles, colouring a little again. “Well, thanks, anyway,” he says. “I might stay here for a bit, if you don’t mind, just watch a bit of TV or something,” he goes on. “But you can go out if you want.”

 

“You prefer to be alone?” Felipe asks. He doesn’t want to stay if Rob does, but he doesn’t want to leave him if he doesn’t. In any case, going round the city by himself would be fine, but, like they said the other day, even if it might’ve been a joke, Felipe doubts it would be as much fun without Rob. Plus the motel room is air conditioned, it’s nice enough, and they have drinks and snacks.

 

Rob shrugs. “Entirely up to you, mate. I don’t mind.”

 

Felipe takes him at his word, and sits down on his bed too. “Then I stay a bit as well. For if you need me to bring you some more tea,” he says with a grin, and turns the TV on.


	18. New Orleans, redux

They watch TV peacefully for a bit, just being comfortably quiet together. It’s relaxing, so much so that when Felipe looks over at Rob after a while, he notices he’s fallen asleep. 

Felipe smiles. He thinks about maybe going out for a wander or to grab a beer or something, but he doesn’t really feel like he can be bothered. It feels like a good time to just chill while they’re not on the move, so he turns down the volume on the TV, and messages with his brother for a bit, catching him up with the latest about his journey.

 _’You’re still going round with that English dude?’_ Dudu asks, when Felipe mentions Rob and his episode on the boat. _’He sure got lucky meeting you, willing to drive him all over.’_

Felipe feels a bit ruffled by Dudu’s obvious scepticism about Rob’s motives. But he definitely doesn’t want to come off as too defensive about Rob and make it look weird. 

He doesn’t mind being a bit defensive of himself, though. _’I’m only going where I want to go, man, he just happened to want to go the same way I did’_

_‘OK, but just don’t let him take advantage of you. You’re too nice!’_

Felipe can’t help but have a wry smile about that. He doesn’t feel nice at all, not with the mess of feelings and conflict that’s been twisting around inside him ever since he came here, that’s only got worse since meeting Rob. 

_’Give me some credit, I’m not doing all this for free - he pays for petrol and motels and stuff. He’s a decent guy, and good company, so it’s working out for both of us’_

So much for not being defensive of Rob, Felipe thinks. He’s at the stage where he can’t tell how normal, or otherwise, he might sound. If he was talking about a girl, he’s sure Dudu would be insinuating all sorts. He supposes that, because Rob is a guy, at least Dudu is less likely to jump to any conclusions, or pick up on any odd things Felipe might say - or accurately put two and two together, as the case may be. 

Felipe might’ve been prepared for Dudu giving him shit, but he’s not prepared for his actual response.

_’Bro, if you wanted company, I would’ve come! I thought you wanted to do it alone.’_

Felipe is taken aback by yet another stab of guilt, as if he didn’t have enough weighing on him already. Dudu is probably the person closest to him in the world, the last thing Felipe wants to do is hurt his feelings, but how can he explain himself without making it worse? 

He remembers something Rob said a few days ago, that he felt described his own feelings perfectly as well. 

_’I did want to do this for myself,’_ he explains. _’But even if I’m not alone, sometimes it’s good to be somewhere no-one knows you, you know? It’s like taking a holiday from being me.’_ No expectation, no baggage. At least, that was the idea, anyway. 

_’I get it, I guess,’_ Dudu says, and Felipe can’t really tell if he’s really OK with Felipe’s explanation, or if he’s just being considerate of his feelings, but at least he doesn’t persist with the topic. 

It doesn’t entirely assuage Felipe’s guilt about it, though. He doesn’t want Dudu to think Felipe wanted to get away from him, or that he doesn’t think Dudu can help. He might not always think Dudu gives the best advice in the world, because in some ways they’re very different people, but he knows Dudu always wants to support him. In fact, he thinks as he remembers Dudu’s joke about getting a girl pregnant when Felipe first suggested he might have a problem, he knows that if he were to tell Dudu the whole truth, he’d probably see it as the opposite of a problem. Felipe might never have been much of a player, but Dudu would probably be even more proud of him if he was. 

That’s probably as good a reason as any not to confide in Dudu about the sort of dilemma Felipe's found himself with. But it also means Felipe’s options for getting another point of view are even more limited. 

He can’t get away from it, it’s all that occupies his mind when it idles. _But not for much longer,_ he reminds himself. Time is rapidly running out, and he’s not still ready. He’s not ready to leave, he’s definitely not ready to be at home again, and, guiltiest and most wretched of all, he’s not ready to not have Rob in his life anymore. 

He wishes Rob were awake now, so he’d have something else to occupy his mind, but he’d feel mean if he woke him up on some false pretence. He goes to take a shower, wash off any lingering swampy residue, and he can’t deny he hopes that maybe the sound of the running water will be enough to wake Rob without Felipe having to do it directly.

He takes his time, his thoughts still feeling slow and muddy as he tries to pick his way through them. He’s able, at least, to reassure himself that actually, he’s a lot more optimistic about some things when he goes home - Rob has made him feel like he has prospects, possibilities, he doesn’t have to write himself off just yet. That’s a positive, but he doesn’t know how it’s going to work out when he gets home to no job, nothing immediate lined up - if that goes on for any length of time, will he sink into a depression, with nothing at all to occupy himself and make himself feel productive? It’s been bad enough here, during those quiet times on the road when his mind has inevitably had the chance to wander back to everything he wanted to leave behind when he came here. Going back to normality, everything as he left it before he chose to come on this big adventure… will he get some kind of reverse culture shock? It’s another thing to worry about, but he can’t just keep running, he has to go home sometime. He’d hoped to get away until things seemed better, till he ‘found himself’, or at least _something_ , but what he’s found is Rob.

Which is great, because Rob has helped him and he’s grateful. Who knows how his trip would have gone without Rob? Maybe he would’ve been bored to death. But then, maybe that would’ve been better. Maybe he really would’ve had the time to think, clearly and without confusing influences, worked everything out calmly and been ready to go home with a new sense of appreciation. Everything fixed. 

But, even now, with all this difficulty, all this conflict in his mind, he doesn’t regret meeting Rob at all. If he hadn’t met him, there’s no guarantee Felipe would’ve worked anything out for himself at all. Maybe he would’ve ended up even worse off than he is now, with no decisions, and no more answers than he left home with. He definitely prefers to think of it that way - just like he was trying to explain to Rob the other day, Felipe thinks that maybe when you’re faced with something in life that seems negative - a loss, a failure, a conflict - it’s to lead you along the way to something positive. A change, even if you don't see it happen.

Felipe is undeniably relieved when he comes back into the bedroom and Rob is awake, and looking a lot more perky than he was earlier. 

“You are feeling better?” he asks, smiling when Rob grins.

“Pretty much,” Rob says. “But you know what’d really make sure of it, a few beers.”

Felipe chuckles. “I am happy you are back to normal,” he says wryly.

“So,” says Rob, when they’re settled into a nice bar, not too wild and not too dull. “Where are we going next? I guess you’ll need to start heading north now.”

Felipe nods, wondering if Rob can tell how heavy his heart feels. He certainly feels like it must show on his face.

“Is there anything you want to see on the way?” Rob asks. “We’ll have to go through Tennessee I think - how do you feel about Elvis?”

“I don’t know really,” Felipe confesses. “You like him?”

“I’m not really bothered one way or the other,” Rob admits with a laugh. “So I guess we don’t have to stop at Graceland then. And you know how I feel about country music, so I’m happy to avoid Nashville as well.”

Felipe laughs. “For sure Chicago will be more interesting anyway,” he says. “If we get there quickly we can do some things there.”

“Sounds good,” Rob agrees. “We can see if we come across anything on the way, anyway.” Maybe he’s been reading Felipe’s text messages while he was in the shower, because he goes on, “It feels like I’ve been telling you where to go all the time the past few days, I hope you’ve not missed anything you wanted to see.”

Felipe just chuckles. “Is the other way round, no? I was driving mostly, so you had to go where I want to go,” he points out with a smile. “But anyway, when I have gone, you will be free, you can go anywhere.”

Rob nods, but his eyebrows raise in an expression of surprise, like he'd completely forgotten he'll still be here after Felipe has left. “I guess so,” he says. He takes a drink of his beer. “Gonna be weird, going around without you,” he says, with a sincerity that takes Felipe by surprise. 

Felipe’s face suddenly feels warm, and he struggles to find an appropriately natural response. “You will go back to hitchhike?” he asks eventually.

Rob shrugs. “I dunno. It seems a bit of a daunting prospect now to be honest. I guess I got comfortable just tagging along with you,” he says with a grin. “With hindsight, I can’t believe how well it worked out. I doubt that would happen again.”

Felipe feels happiness swell inside him, warm and indulgent, and he lets it come, lets himself enjoy Rob’s appreciation. It feels good, too good, but Felipe doesn’t want to think about the conflict it brings, he just wants to pretend, imagine what it would be like with no problems, no worries, just the freedom to feel this way. He’ll take it while he can. 

“I think you will not find another guy like me,” he says, keeping his tone as jokey as ever. 

“Definitely not,” Rob says, laughing softly. “I might travel round on buses, save myself the hassle of trying to catch another ride. And the disappointment, when they can’t live up to the standards I’m used to,” he says, and even though he’s joking as well, the way he smiles makes Felipe’s heart do things it shouldn’t. 

Suddenly something occurs to Felipe. “I can give you the car,” he says. “You can carry on driving even without me.”

Rob’s eyes widen. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” Felipe says. “I thought I would sell it to a car dealer anyway, but probably they will only give me five dollars,” he chuckles. “So you will be helping me if you take it!”

“That would be brilliant, thank you very much mate,” says Rob, his expression more earnest than Felipe has ever seen. “I’ll give you some money for it, of course.”

Felipe shrugs modestly. “Maybe you give me a better deal than five dollars,” he suggests, grinning.

“I think I can manage a bit more than that,” says Rob, his expression still bright and sincere. “Honestly, that’ll make my life so much easier.”

It makes Felipe even happier to see how genuinely pleased he’s made Rob, and how relieved he looks. He imagines Rob driving around in the car after he’s gone, continuing the journey with something to remember Felipe by, and it’s bittersweet, but it feels alright, knowing that at least he can do Rob this favour, and his loss will be Rob’s gain.


	19. Interstate 55

They reckon it'll take a couple of days’ driving, realistically, to reach Chicago, leaving Felipe with at least one full day there to explore. It doesn’t take them nearly as long to get to the Louisiana border as Felipe expects, and the long bridge that they cross on the way feels like an important symbol, something that Felipe knows will stick in his memory. It feels like the main story of his journey is drawing to a close. This is the beginning of the final stage - the epilogue, all he’s got left in which to tie up all the leftover loose ends, Felipe reflects wryly, continuing the metaphor. If he was reading this book, he’d definitely feel pretty concerned about how the author was going to resolve everything in the remaining pages. 

“So, do you think you’ve done enough travelling then?” Rob asks after a while. 

Felipe is a little surprised at the question, out of the blue. Rob’s tone is light, but Felipe fancies that maybe he’s asking the question that way so Felipe can answer it how he chooses: if Felipe wants to keep things light too, he can take it at face value, answer in terms of the ground he’s covered, the things he’s seen. But he also feels like he knows Rob well enough by now to understand that he’s asking another, deeper question too, if Felipe wants to answer: _Are you ready to go home?_ Because that’s a very different question. 

Felipe appreciates that Rob is asking at all, either way. 

“I don't know,” he says, and it's his honest answer to both questions. “I think I would like to travel more, I have enjoyed a lot,” he says truthfully. “And I am not tired of driving,” he adds with a smile. “Maybe when I go home I will get a driving job again, even if is not forever. Maybe sometime I will go to college, maybe I will have a good teacher, maybe I will discover I am not so bad at maths as I think,” he says, glancing over at Rob with a grin that Rob returns. “But if I do not, well,” he goes on with a shrug, “I like to drive. I enjoy a lot. So I think is not so bad to carry on.”

Rob nods emphatically. “Exactly,” he says with an approving smile. “If you like doing something, and it makes you happy, you can’t ask for more than that in life,” he adds, his voice softer than Felipe thinks he’s ever heard. “You don’t have to have every step of your life planned out - after all, you came here without a plan, and that worked out alright, didn’t it?” he says, turning his face more towards Felipe with a grin.

Felipe can’t help but smile back, but it’s not without a certain sense of irony within, because yeah, he supposes it worked out fine, ' _Except for the part where I fell for you._ '

Mercifully oblivious, Rob carries on. “And you seem pretty good at the whole driving business anyway, so it’s good to use your talents.”

Felipe feels that stutter in his chest that he's almost come to expect now, the feeling he gets when Rob is more kind or sweet or appreciative than Felipe lets himself hope for.He feels momentarily giddy with pride at Rob’s praise, grasping it with both hands and taking it in. He’s confident enough in his abilities, but even more than the boost he gets from overt praise, it’s even nicer to think that Rob believes it, or at least feels kindly enough towards him that he wants him to feel good about himself. 

It’s true what he said though - even though he feels like he has a more solid, positive vision for when he goes home, he has enjoyed travelling and he could definitely carry on driving around for longer. He imagines it, just turning the car around and heading south, going through Mexico and into South America, all the way to Brazil, and taking Rob with him all over his home country as well, just like Rob said jokingly a few days ago. The thought is oddly calming. If he really wanted to… it's his car, he could just do it. That freedom they've talked about feels so good, even in his imagination. And he thinks maybe Rob wouldn't mind carrying on the adventure, together, either.

After all, he’s fairly certain that, even though he’s enjoyed the travelling in and of itself, it wouldn't be the same without Rob. Felipe suddenly realises it's very important to him that Rob knows he sincerely wants to stay friends, because he really does, even with all the other nonsense going on in his brain or heart or whatever. Even without that, Rob feels like a valuable person to his life, and he doesn't want to go home and never speak to him again. Even if it's selfish, even if it's probably the worst thing to do if he actually wants these feelings to go away… the prospect of it just being over feels like a waste, and Felipe doesn't like how it makes him feel.

“When I go home,” he says, keeping his eyes on the road, “I hope you will stay in touch, you know? Tell me about where you go and what you do,” he says, risking a glimpse over at Rob with a little smile. He's pretty confident that sounded normal enough. 

“I would've done even if you didn't want me to mate,” Rob says with a chuckle. “You'll have to give me your address, and I'll send you some postcards.”

Felipe can’t think of anything that sounds nicer. 

“There is somewhere you want to go next?” Felipe asks.

Rob shrugs. “I dunno really. Guess I might have a look around New England, though I get the impression it all looks a bit like old England,” he says with a laugh. “I’m not that interested in seeing stuff that looks just like what I see at home.”

“Maybe you leave America?” Felipe asks. He thinks again about Rob coming to South America, meeting him in Sao Paulo, being Felipe’s guest. It would be so nice, he thinks, to feel like Rob wanted to come and see Felipe’s hometown - and Felipe - but he has to keep reminding himself that bringing his problems so close to home is a bad idea, even if it doesn’t feel like it here and now. 

“Maybe,” says Rob thoughtfully. “Could have a look at Canada, the landscape up there seems beautiful. But I don’t know that much about it, really.”

He sounds vague, and Felipe is suddenly minded to put his question back to him. 

“Maybe you have done enough travelling?” he asks gently. 

Rob smiles in recognition. “Maybe,” he murmurs. “I’ve got to be back for the start of the new school year, that was my deadline. But I already know it’s going to be fucking tough going back to work after this, much more even than usual,” he says, with a wry laugh. “More than I expected, to be honest.”

“But you enjoy your work,” Felipe says, trying to reassure him. “When you go back, you will remember.”

Rob gives another soft laugh. “I know, I know,” he agrees. “I do enjoy my job. But there’s a lot to enjoy about being here, too.”

“I know what you mean,” Felipe murmurs. He feels as transparent as a windowpane, like Rob must surely discern his feelings by now, putting the pieces together like the world’s simplest jigsaw puzzle. The only thing he can hope to hide behind is the sheer unlikelihood of this entire scenario. Felipe himself could certainly never have predicted it when he set off from home, set off from San Francisco, carrying a rather different set of troubles to the ones he’s picked up along the way.


End file.
